feliz navidad, everybody.



yesterday's flight was packed... when i bought the ticket, i wasn't able to choose a seat, because there was only one availible... 24B. it was a center seat and i wasn't looking forward to spending 6 hours squished between big, smelly people. 24B was towards the back of the plane, so i was among the first to board. i made my way back and found the row empty... but waited patiently for the strangers that'd i'd be rubbing shoulders with. all kinds of people began filling the seats behind me and in front of me... i was settled early, so i just watched the people march in one-at-a-time. as 8.30pm (departure time) soon approached, i was joyfully getting used to the idea that i might be flying with space to selfishly consume 3 entire seats.... room to put my feet up, to lay down, to even invite that cute girl cramped in the front (riiiiiight, like i somehow grew some guts).



was i fortunate to have hoarded an entire row? nah. but who did i get to share my domain with? a chinese FOB and a hot hot hot chica. [austin powers] yeah, baby yeeeaaaah [/austin powers] (about the girl, not the guy).



i'm not proud of the fact that after about 15 minutes of silence, she spoke to me first (i really have to work on my pick-up lines or conversation starters or whatever). she cracked the ice, but i whipped out my sledgehammer and was set on making myself a slurpee. we talked, we laughed, we had a couple drinks (the flight attendants hooked us up)... i would've been even more aggressive (in theory) if i didn't find out she had a boyfriend (in addition to another guy she's attracted to). but whatever. i still got my flirt on. she'll be back in new york after her two weeks in vancouver. nothing romantic can come out of this... she's taken and she's not christian (something very important to me) and she's not really my type... but she's cute. haha. i think i made a friend.



oh yeah... she may become famous one day (she's an aspiring singer) with a record deal in the works... she may get signed as early as january. who knows, i may have made buddies with the next alicia or christina or britney (okay... hopefully better than those folks).



anyways. it's christmas. i must head to church soon... gotta wrap some gifts. peace on earth and peace to you!

my flight leaves in a few hours...



soon, i'll be enjoying the soothing nags of my mom while in the (not-so-distant) background my dad relays messages to her (thinking that his pleas to make me go to law school will be more persuasive coming from her mouth... which is true... but still!). i'll be walking through ankle-deep puddles to get from the parking lot to the ghetto mall. i'll be sleeping more than i should... eating more than i should... and watching tv more than i should.



sigh. so is the life of a tacoman!



hahaha... hopefully i'll get to spend some quality time with my brother and sister. do some snowboarding, while trying not to break any bones. chill with my old church friends. and just enjoy time away from the busy city. i'll try to keep posting while i'm away... for those few but faithful readers.



merry christams to all and to all a good night!

so i typed out this long self-analysis of why my thinking is all warped and how i need to change it if i want a job and/or girlfriend... but i think i can be more concise:



i'm arrogant, insecure, greedy, paranoid, vain and neurotic... all at the same time. i concentrate my thoughts and time into trying to find that which would feed all (or most) of those voracious monsters. the efforts are frustrating and exhausting and if i continue acquiescing to the beasts, i'll likely use an arm.



so what's the solution then?

quit my job at the zoo and let Someone else deal with the animals. i'll stop complaining and whining. i'll focus on building my character and strengthening my relationship with God. i'll let God take care of the other stuff.



(i just hope i can put some of this theory into practice).

i get a handful of people that visit my site through a seach engine. they're searching for one of the lovely ladies that reside on the right hand side of my page. or for pics of the sneakers i mention occasionally. sometimes users are even looking for me (scary). however, one of the more common searches is for blue 9 burger. so for the sake of those people, here's the lowdown:

blue 9 burger

92 third ave (between 12th & 13th)

new york, ny 10003

212.979.0053

fresh meat, never frozen; fresh produce; fries made with real potoatoes; milk shakes made with real ice cream (basically, the in-n-out of new york)

i'll gladly accept thank-you burgers for all this marketing work i'm doing!

there.

now back to me...



err, yeah... nothing new here.

so if you want to read something that shakes my jello, read this.

i'm running out of things to say these days. i'm pretty much feeling/thinking the same things i've been dwelling on for the past few weeks/months/whatever... there's no point in reiterating them. i can run through what i did yesterday and last night... i can write about how i think men's magazines suck these days... i can mention that i think i have the smallest bladder known to man... i can talk about this growing fear that i'll live a mediocre life, throw in the wish that i'll be able to lead a filthy rich life, maybe marry a sugar momma... i can whine... i can muse... i can rant... i can contemplate.



i can do a bunch of things... but i have a hard time finding the thing i want to do. if i sit still i can barely feel the rhythmic tapping in my chest... and my brain can't seem to function without echoing things four, five or six times... like i'm trying to sing a song while half a dozen people are shouting the tune at different parts.



so i'll sit at my desk.

waiting.

for some mini-bubble of an emotion to work its way up to the surface of my jello-y insides.

los straight jackets perform tonight on late night with conan o' brien. they're a californian, instrumental, surfer-rock band that wear mexican wrestling masks when they perform. they--a bunch of gringos--also only speak in espanol during their concerts. they play the only rendition of "my heart will go on" (yes, the titanic song) that i'll even consider listening to. i first heard them earlier this year when albert popped one of their albums into the cd player during our road trip to florida. what a road trip that was! 3 single guys (al, pat and i) rented a neon (woohoo!) and drove down to the sunshine state. highlights of the trip included making sand castles ("sand walls" and "sand chicks" too), buying a hat that says "rodeo, america's #1 sport", and... hmm... yeah, that's about it. the end.



my life is exciting, isn't it? even when i go on vacations.



los straight jackets are almost on. gotta tune in. peace out.

(hey, all of those sentences ended with a preposition... my english teacher would be so disappointed in me)

i really like this article.

i was soo exhausted last night (and pretty much all day yesterday). went to sleep before midnight.



i watched monk last night (mondays, 8-9pm, abc). it reminds me alot of matlock-- i grew up watching that gray man solving all kinds of crazy cases. he's probably one of the reasons i even considered going into law. that guy can not throw a baseball though (i remember the most random things sometimes).



i've been feeling pretty anti-social these days. my brain tells me i shouldn't be going out so much and spending money. but for other non-monetary reasons, i just don't feel like meeting up with people and schmoozing. i don't know what it is... i just feel like i'm saying the same things to people... and their end of the convos are probably only slightly different from the one they had yesterday with what's-her-face. i realize it often takes effort to get to really know someone and i have barely enough energy to sit up to watch monk. i hope this is just a physical fatigue and not an indication of some deeper struggle. i'm too tired to arm-wrestle with anyone right now (except maybe a cute girl or two or three). c'mon...don't give me that look... can't a guy joke anymore?

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

-- emma lazarus

i'm tired. i'm poor. i'm a huddled mass yearning to breathe free... but i don't see any golden doors around. and even if i see them, they're probably closed to me. "no robots allowed". i'm not talking about jobs. i'm just talking about life in general.



i need passion in my life. i have lots of interests... but no passions. what does it take for something to jump from one camp to the other? emotions? time? divine intervention?



i can't sleep because i'm fascinated by this show on mtv, music in high places. unwritten law (a punk band) is playing an acoustic set at yellowstone park. they sound great and the scenery is beautiful.

i'm getting more and more excited about the fashion production job. it's weird because i've been recently thinking about responsibility and how i'm in the constant state of shunning it-- trying, unsuccessfully, to rid my life of it. the position, however, will put so much weight on my shoulders. the production team is held accountable for nearly everything at this particular company and if i'm thrust into the gooey center of it, i know i'll get stuck with alot of that not-so-caramelly 'sponsibility.



the challenge is exciting to me though and i know i'll learn alot about running a company (especially a fashion company, but any company, in general). i'll have to be aggressive to become a better negotiator. i'll have to learn how to talk the talk. i dunno... it sounds fun, doesn't it?



we'll see... we'll see.



changing the subject:

i'm searching too hard for my identity. i'm trying too much to figure out who i am... where i belong. not just vocationally, but in my social life and spiritual life too. it's almost to the point that i obsess over the idea of finding myself... of coming to a point where i say, "eureka! i get it now. it all makes sense. I make sense." the thought occurred to me that maybe i should shift the focus away from my pseudo-complicated self and onto the "bigger picture"... onto God. maybe as i investigate and interview the Author, i'll learn a little something about this dark comedy called, roboto.



ya think?



it's worth a shot, right? today's dose of God-ness: God is a Thrower of (frickin') bones.

should i work in fashion? i've been shadowing/interning/working-for-free at jane's office for the last couple days. there's a position in the production dept. that's opening up. it's a small but pretty established label. working in production is stressful, but i think i'd learn alot, especially given the size of the company. it's something that i'm strongly considering... interning there has been fun/exciting and i'm up for the challenge of jumping in and getting greasy.



i still have yet to hear from the music job. i think it's still my first choice, but the more i think about it, the more i'm beginning to see the benefits of the fashion job. besides... $3000 clothing allowance! then again, hundreds of CDs...



music... clothes... i like it all.

a few months ago, i was searching the internet for some kind of calender software (free and for mac), so i can keep track of birthdays, appointments, dates (haha) and such. my options were limited but i settled on this PandoCalendar. in addition to keeping my dates straight, the calendar has a charles spurgeon devotional that pops up every day and a bible verse that appears every sunday. today's really spoke to me:

A Quiet Heart

December 12

by Charles Haddon Spurgeon



"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).



It is always weakness to be fretting and worrying, questioning and mis-trusting. What can we do if we wear ourselves to skin and bone? Can we gain anything by fearing and fuming? Do we not unfit ourselves for action and unhinge our minds for wise decision? We are sinking by our struggles when we might float by faith.



Oh, for grace to be quiet! Why run from house to house to repeat the weary story which makes us more and more heart-sick as we tell it? Why even stay at home to cry out in agony because of wretched forebodings which may never be fulfilled? It would be well to keep a quiet tongue, but it would be far better if we had a quiet heart. Oh, to be still and know that Jehovah is God!



Oh, for grace to be confident in God! The holy One of Israel must defend and deliver His own. He cannot run back from His solemn declarations. We may make sure that every word of His will stand though the mountains should depart. He deserves to be confided in; and if we would display confidence and consequent quietness, we might be as happy as the spirits before the throne.



Come, my soul, return unto thy rest, and lean thy head upon the bosom of the LORD Jesus.

i took a shower this morning for my temp interview (i think it went so-so, but who knows? they didn't even ask me to take the dumb tests), but i've been feeling really tense lately, so when i got home i decided to take a long, hot bath-- bubbles, bath salts, body wash... the whole 9. i felt so relaxed and calm. i could've easily fallen asleep right there in the tub. after a bit of just enjoying the warm water womb, i sat up to start the deep cleansing process. applying the body wash, using the wash cloth to lather and rub in a circular motion, rinse, repeat. i don't like the idea of rinsing myself off with the stale, dirty water that i used to scrub my body down... so i ended up taking a shower after my bath.



i didn't realize how dirty i was until i discovered a nice brown ring in the tub when i was done. pleasant, i know.



and that's all i have to say about that.

is it possible to overdose on MSG? i got plenty of sleep last night... i shouldn't be feeling this tired. i'm blaming it on the lack of sunlight or the kim-chee bokeumbap from han bat. it seriously gets pitch black at 4pm. what kind of bizarro world is this?



it's probably all for the better. i have to be in tip-top shape for tomorrow's rigorous trials. i have an interview at a temp agency. they're gonna test my word, excel and powerpoint skills. if you've never taken these competency tests, please let me explain how stupendously challenging they are: you sit at a computer. the test administrator runs an application that's disguised as MS Word (or excel or powerpoint). it is, in fact, a program that tests your proficiency in said software. you are prompted with instructions to perform various tasks that utilize the technologically-pioneering, utterly-ingenious functions that make mr. gates proud. be ready to know what to do when prompted to "highlight and bold" ... "save the file" -- wait it gets harder-- "open the file" ... "cut and paste". and just when you think it can't get any more difficult they ask you to "print" --- to print for chrissakes! i'm torn between getting the rest i need and staying up to study for the mind-flexing exam that awaits me tomorrow.



[chandler bing] can i be any more sarcastic/arrogant/cocky? [/chandler bing]

i'm starting to get comfortable leading praise at the 5pm service. no longer am i pee-pee terrified of opening my eyes and looking out at the congregation. (somewhat) gone is my phobia of kissing the microphone. and my hands are dry enough to actually hold onto the pick.



okay... so my nerves weren't ever really that bad. but my point is that i'm getting fairly comfortable worshipping while standing in front of people. but i still have a ways to go.



jane invited me to a b-day party one of her co-workers was throwing for her boyfriend. guests included photographers, art directors, fashion designers, a costa rican surfer/bartender and a mr. jack daniels. needless to say, an interesting mix. schmoozing is fun, but i realize that i often prefer a (not-always-so) quiet night of board games and pizza. does this mean i'm old and/or boring? maybe just low-maintenance.



scrabble and domino's, anyone?

one of my noonas had a holiday party today out in jersey. i sooooo want my own house now. she has a nice townhouse with 3 bathrooms, an "office", a leather couch and a-- gulp-- walk-in closet. i don't think i could be further from that right now. i have more clothes than ever and the tiniest closet in new york city. i think i've employed practically every "space-saver" technique out there, but i still have stack/piles/mountains of loose clothing all over my apartment.



anyways, the party was fun. yummy food + board games = fun fun fun. all for the low, low price of a $2.80 bus ticket out to glen rock, new jersey. here're the highlights a la sportscenter: ...chicken salad and ritz-esque crackers... 9-layer dip, plenty of jalapenos... sweet grape manischewitz wine... a high-pitched squeal "haaaaa!" (jonah's gum-bleaching story)... "tae-bo", "pez dispenser", "harry potter" and a whole lotta clapping and high-fives (cranium highlights)... the most stressful party game ever...



hahah, i'm sure you're confused. i guess you had to be there. so next time you should come.

i have the most persistent pain in my back in the history of my 24 year, 5 month, 11 day existence. many have tried and none have succeeded in massaging out the stinkin' knot in my right upper-back/lower-shoulder. it's not a horribly painful ailment; it's just annoying as hell.



i'll stop whining now. nothing new is going on in my life... i really desperately need an income. it's something that i should definitely be praying more about. part of me is confident that God will provide, part of me is afraid i'll dig myself into too great a financial hole to climb out of. i think i too often deal with my problems by ignoring them (which is probably why i'm not on my knees asking God for deliverance). i don't want to over-dramaticize every trivial issue that comes my way either. i guess it's a matter of finding a balance. i know right now though, i must pray.



and pray i shall.

i was killing some time at a record store today. most of the listening stations were busted (or they operate in a counter-intuitive way and my feeble mind couldn't figure it out). i did manage to listen to the new flaming lips album. i like the title: yoshimi battles the pink robots. the music is pretty good too. i wanted to listen to the beck album and bjork's greatest hits, but those machines weren't letting me preview the songs.



as i was browsing the book section, i came across a book about love-- or so i thought. i opened it up and read the "instructions". apparently you're supposed to think (hard) about a yes-or-no question regarding your love life while "stroking" the textured cover. then, you flip through the book (without peeking, i presume) and open the book to a "random" page where an answer awaits you. it pretty much operates like a 600-page, magic 8-ball. the "answers" to my questions included: "now is not the right time", "proceed with caution", and "giddyup!"-- whatever that means. all of love's answers, right at my fingertips... i had to tear myself away from the book. haha, riiiiight.



i picked up kurt cobain's diary and started from the beginning. reading about life in suburban washington state made me a little nostalgic. tacoma, olympia, aberdeen... it's so weird seeing kurt write about my old stomping ground. i only had a chance to read the first couple entries. i don't envy much about his early years: performing while knowing that everyone is constantly judging your every move, schmoozing with industry folks to try to sell your talent, working odd jobs to pay for gas to drive to shows. it made me wonder if i'll ever get to a point where i'm so passionate about something, that i'd be willing to put myself through whatever gets thrown at me. i mean, i just wish i had a purpose for doing whatever it is i'm doing. instead i'm just floating in a storm while my arms and legs are starting to cramp up. if i had any sense of direction, i'd start doggy-paddling.



drinking salt water sucks.

where am i? i hear the clock ticking over the whirring and buzzing of my computer. and i just stare at the pimpled, off-white wall in front of me. i inhale deeply and smell nothing. i can't seem to fix my mind on anything substantial... it just echoes the simple observations my senses make while slouching at my desk. there's so much i should be doing right now, but ... i don't know... i can't even think of a reason why i'm not doing them.



i felt/thought something odd today. i think i was on the train, maybe waiting for the train. something in my conversation with dave was humorous, but in that short flash of time that it takes for thoughts to actually form the appropriate expression on my face, i felt something weird. i don't know why, but my cheeks just seemed heavier-- like either i gained some chubb on my face or my smiling muscles got weaker. it was a one-time and quickly passing thought and i actually think i repressed it until it just came back to my attention while staring at my wall.



more sighs. is this what growing up is supposed to be like?

okay... i had a feeling i'd be sore today... but i didn't think i'd be THIS sore. it hurts to walk. it hurts to inhale deeply. it hurts to lift my hand to push the button to signal the bus driver to stop. it hurts to cough. the worst is sneezing. i know it's coming but i can't keep my entire upper body from jerking and causing all those little muscles over my ribs from stabbing the funk out of me.



it's odd. tackle football managed to avoid only the essential muscles required for playing guitar and singing. either my guitar-playing/singing muscles are so buffed that they are incapable of becoming sore OR God was looking out for me.



i received my last unemployment check this week. no more government subsidized playing.

to do:

- sell soul to corporate america

sigh.

what's thanksgiving without some good ole football.



i trekked out to strong island to toss the pigskin with some of dani's church friends. 4 hours of running around, getting kicked in the shin and getting my feet stomped on with heavy guys in cleats wore me out. it's 8:30 and i'm exhausted. i seriously think my foot is broken.



it definitely beats watching tv all day, but tomorrow morning i may have to reconsider.



in other news... well... i guess there is no other news. i'm so boring.

happy thanksgiving!



i hope you're reading this sometime after you've stuffed yourself with turkey and pecan pie and had your fill of family and friends this holiday. me? i'll be spending this day with a bunch of misplaced californians and a few other non-native new yorkers. pete and i are up making yams and cookies for the pot-luck feast that will take place later this afternoon. pete decided to use korean sweet potatoes (the off-white kind, not the orange ones). after adding some brown sugar, the dish looks more like refried beans than candied yams. because of my non-precise measuring, my cookies came out too bready and seem like thick, sweet crackers.



we'll be the laughing stock of the dinner. i'm thankful for spontaneous abdominal work-outs like the ones pete and i had preparing our ghetto food.



it's almost 4am. i should get some rest before our face-stuffing extravaganza.

i'm back, did you miss me?



i realize more and more how much i enjoy not working. at the same time, i realize how much i need to work to support myself financially. i've been thinking alot about potential lately... how i'm convinced that i have alot of it, but not sure where i'm supposed to apply it. like i'm a big fat boulder sitting on top of a hill and not sure which direction to start rolling. i'm just sitting there, gathering moss and letting ugly pigeons stomp all over me and spray me with poop.



i'm not just talking about career. i think i have all kinds of potential-- creative, spiritual... heck... even with the ladies.



well, not too sure about the last one. i guess 3 out of 4 is not bad. it's a "C". it's passing.

i'm so efficient in the middle of the night. all the names on my instant messenger buddy list are faded out, there's no sun and warm weather to temp me outside and the only sounds i hear come from my computer speakers. if only my eyes weren't burning... i could continue to toil the night away.



i'm in the process of designing an annual newsletter for an international performance arts organization. it's run by the parents of one my college friends who's in japan right now (what a lucky girl, i know!). i've had most of the photos for a couple months now. i should've started playing around with a few layout ideas weeks ago, but one of roboto's many flaws is a tendancy to procrastinate. why put off 'til tomorrow, what you can put off 'til the night before it's due?. well, i have gotten a little better... they don't need a sketch until tuesday morning.



i should get some sleep, though. i don't wanna be cranky all day tomorrow. and i need energy to mail all these boxes. arg!

am i a push-over? my roommate managed to catch his flight without having packed and shipped any of his junk. guess who has to do it for him. poor little roboto.



i've pretty much thrown all of his stuff into the 4 large boxes he left me. i'm not quite sure what i should do with all the residual things that didn't make the cut. i suppose i can go buy another box, but where's the challenge in that? haha.



my old college roommate arrives in a couple hours. i hope i can come up with enough things to do to keep him entertained. the only two things that come to mind are shopping and eating. is there anything else to new york?



i think i'll continue cleaning, reorganizing the apartment until he gets here. i've already combined my 2 desks to form one monster desk and moved my computer to the living room. i probably shouldn't vacuum at 6am. so i'll do the dishes and clean the bedroom. shoot, i gotta scrub the stove too. arrrgh.

it's my roommate's last day here in the big city. tomorrow he flies out to southern california to live with his bro. his friend from baltimore came up to visit. he brought his gf and their dogs-- a maltese and its two pups. we went out for jja-jjang-myun and we returned to find the apartment trashed by the dogs. they decided to dig into our trash, eat last night's leftover chinese food and proceeded to regurgitate and excrete it all over my place. cleaning up dog urine, feces and vomit is no fun.



who let the dogs out?



my friend and i have changed-- in very different ways-- since high school. i feel like we were just starting to re-acquaint ourselves to each other... acknowledging our respective mutations and accepting them as products of our years apart. i wish i could've been a better friend to him these last few months. i could've dug deeper... given him some profound, life-changing advice... challenged him... encouraged him... i could've been "saltier". instead, we shake hands and walk down our respective roads... occasionally looking back to see how our ole friend is doing... until we're too far to distinguish each other's form from the horizon. i have a feeling i won't see him until my wedding (he says he can't see himself settling down for a long while... i agree). but we'll see what God has planned for us.



peace, HJ. peace.

these days, i'm constantly hungry. from the moment i wake up and until i hit the sack, my stomach urges me to fill it. the low, mild grumbling of my tummy is just white noise to me now. no amount of pork buns and bubble tea is able to satiate it. caramel sundaes, twix bars and bavarian creme doughnuts don't do the trick. mushu beef, blue 9 burgers, kalbi, burritos, neoguri udon ramen... they all fall short of satisfying the groanings of my belly. my stomach has a God-shaped hole.



oh wait. is it my stomach or my heart? i can't even tell anymore.

i've been trying to find some good, fast, non-cheezy praise songs... but it's so hard. i think the difficult part is the "non-cheezy" qualifier. i'm starting to realize that i'm not as comfortable singing songs of joy and triumph and jubilee. i mean, in secular music, people croon about pain, suffering, loss and depression... OR they put their love, intimacy and warm-and-fuzziness to music. there aren't any hand-clapping songs and there aren't any songs with hand-motions (YMCA doesn't count). am i the only one that feels awkward singing those kinds of songs? i want people to sing with all their hearts. i want the worship to seep from every crevice of their souls. giddy songs don't seem natural to me... but maybe that's something that God's working on in me.



i haven't been working this week, but it seems like i'm so much busier. my room is strewn with clothes, the sink is full of rice-crusted plates, i can't move my mouse without pushing over a stack of unopened mail. time to sleep. some people will be waking up soon, i'll be in the middle of a happy dream. i have a feeling i'll remember tonight's episode. we'll see soon enough. peace.

am i a shop-o-holic? unemployment checks weren't enough to fuel my shopping habits, but now that i'm working (temping) again, i can return to my consumerism ways. within the last couple weeks, i've done some spending: i finally renewed my subscription to Giant Robot, went to a sample sale (where i bought 4 shirts), bought a shirt from urban outfitters, bought a pair of jeans from a thrift store, bought some cd-rs for the cd burner my roommate gave me (he upgraded, so i get the slow one, but it's better than nothing), i've also been eating out alot lately.



i think i'm gonna start a "wish list" on my blog. i'll make a list of the things i discover in magazines, websites and whatnot and compile a list, so i don't forget. i have multiple paper lists scattered over my desk with names of bands, dvds, sneakers and clothes i wanna check out. i might as well collect them and post them.



i don't know why i like owning things so much. because i grew up never getting the toys everyone else had? because i'm materialistic? because i'm brainwashed by the media? who knows...?

sundays are exhausting for me now. i think alot of it has to do with the fact that i'm not naturally an extrovert (yes, some people may find it hard to believe)... i'm actually very introverted. i'm very protective of myself.



anyways, having to go to the morning service and then leading praise at the evening service and then emceeing the open mic and just hanging out with people in between all of those things... it wore me out. God needs to hook me up with s'more energy if He wants me to keep this up.



i wonder if i have to work today (or this week). i definitely have lots of errands to run and there's some freelance stuff i should be working on... ugh... i have no motivation... i just wanna crawl back into bed and sleep my week away.

ah, ah, test, test, 1, 2, alright check it:

i'm takin the microphone and spittin 'til i wreck it.

for the women? for the cars? for the green and bling bling?

for my 5 minutes in the light, like karaoke at sing sing?

please! can you see me with 5 karat studs?

in my gucci, L.V. and burbury duds?

shoot, i'd trade ALL this *stuff* any day.

for a heart and a soul and a way to say what i gotta say.

don't get me wrong, i don't wanna sound completely ungrateful.

it's just-- i wanna be passionate: to feel loved and joyful.... shoot... even angry or hateful.

anything but this stale, mundane, robotic state

with no job, no direction, no answers, and no date.

what's LIFE without the low lows and high highs?

i'll tell you: frustration, apathy and a whole lotta sighs.

(sigh) okay, i'm out of energy, i'm out of juice.

time to sleep and let all my dreams run loose

maybe there, at least, i can *imagine* some sort of sanity.

a life of peace and hope, not jumping between insecurity and vanity.

bed, come to me. my body and eyelids are too weak.

blanket, embrace me and, pillow, kiss my cheek.

and though i wanna laugh, scream, lift my hands or weep,

tonight-- like every other night-- i settle for sleep....

i "won" tickets to see a free screening of a movie. "won" is in quotations because here's how i obtained the passes:



i'm on a few list-serves, so my inbox is occasionally splattered with announcements of events. one of the emails read, "Win FREE tickets to the Paramount Classics premiere." i was interested in the film (i'll get to that later), so i replied to the email asking, "how do i win these tickets?" the following day, i received an email saying, "congratulations, you've won."



i thought that was funny. maybe you had to be there. or maybe you have to hear me tell the story because my friend laughed when i told her. anyways, the movie was a sneak preview of a korean film that opens tomorrow (11/15). it's the second highest grossing film in korea and it's very critically acclaimed. it's called the way home (jeeb-eu-roh).







my opinion of the film? it's good. not a cinematic masterpiece. there's nothing "exquisite" about the film. the acting from the boy could've used improvement and the presentation could've been a little less manipulative. HOWEVER, it's a deeply heart-felt and warm & tingly movie. if you cry at movies, bring a box of tissues-- the kind with lotion so your nose doesn't hurt. the halmuhni (granny) character will turn even the hardest soul into sweet, banana pudding.



if you want a "pure" experience of the film, do NOT watch the trailer. i think it gives you too much.



i'm tired already. Captain Caffiene is no match for the 24-inch pythons of Dr. Drowsy.

i think i'm regaining all my weight. i was doing well this year: eating better... being athletic. actually, more than the former, i've been really just excercising and staying active. i think that's key for me. i think my diet has been pretty much the same for the last couple years... the only difference was that i was playing tennis and volleyball.



anyways, now that the weather is turning frigid and as i'm becoming more and more lazy/busy, my gut is coming back.



the sit-ups will have to wait til tomorrow. i'm dead tired. i hung out with some other robots today. pat tagged along, he's an honorary robot. although he says he'll check out the lounge (message board) now.



my stomach is full of a blue 9 burger, fries, a strawberry milkshake, a pear tart with hazelnut ice cream, haagen daz pistacchio ice cream and a whole lotta tap water. time to sleep.

last week, i discovered that my instant messenger buddy list was incomplete. i noticed that some of the newer names were missing. needless to say, i was confused. thinking i was all smart and whatnot, i tried to restore my list (by searching through my cache, checking my preferences, etc); in the process, i managed to delete my buddy list completely.



so if you think i'm ignoring you, i probably am. BUT it could also be because i accidentally erased you from my buddy list. so you can take the initiative and IM me:

iLikeYuhJahs

if you understand korean you'll know that yuhjahs means "girls". people have already mentioned that my screen name makes me seem sketchy. i'm completely fine with people thinking me strange or immature. what's in a name? that which we call a fart by any other name would smell so sweet.

Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection-- if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.

-- C.S. Lewis

since high school, i thought knowing human love would help me understand Divine love. i thought that if i found the person who turned my heart inside-out, made my bones melt and my skin want to pull away from my body, i'd understand how to respond to a God of Love. that once i experienced love through a romantic relationship, i could lift my eyes to heaven and understanding would descend upon my ingorance.



it occured to me today that i should search for love-- not among pretty faces, deep brown eyes and hypnotic smiles, but among the heavens themselves. maybe i'd find Someone that'd rock my senses and leave me utterly stunned. maybe i'd find Someone that'd ignite every passion of every cell of my body, Someone that'd snuff out the fear and insecurity. Someone that'd teach me how to love.

one of my friends in college was really a genius. he could do complex math problems in his head. he would fold his arms over his desk to pillow his head in physics class and, without taking notes, retain all of the information given by the professor. he was also a computer programming whiz, considered the best at dartmouth for most of his stay there. major software companies (even the big, redmond-based one!) were trying to lure him into their companies.



i'm no genius. i'm just a penniless, unemployed dude with an out-of-tune guitar and chalk-dry eyes....



and that has to go to sleep before my big, fat head falls off of my neck.

i took an IQ test today. not one of those light-weight, wannabes that they have on the internet, but a real one. it lasted 2.5 hours and it actually takes time to score. i'll find out tomorrow if i have what it takes to rule the world... muhahahahah.



i'm not sure if i should've taken the test. anything that'll make me big-headed is bad. (see! i'm already assuming that i'll score ridiculously high). it doesn't matter anyways. chicks don't dig smart guys. they like guys with big muscles. that can drink beer without turning santa claus red. and don't have to pee every five minutes.



i have to rest up. all day church marathon tomorrow. i might have time to squirt water on my face and down my back, but that's about it. what time is it? praise time. huh!

job update:



i'm temping back at the "major record label" all next week. hopefully, i'll also get an update on the full-time position while i'm there. in the mean time, i'll just have to continue holding my breath.



i'm glad to be done with the legal job. i kinda feel bad for the attorneys who have to keep working on the case until they win, lose or settle (considered winning)... but then i think about how much money they make:

social life + soul = $200,000 - $500,000 / year

the senior associate probably makes around the first figure, the jr. partner on the case probably makes closer to the second figure... maybe more.



sigh. i must keep reminding myself that money isn't the most important thing in life. i'm not doing too well in the girl department either, though. sigh, sigh, sigh.

my term as "praise leader" starts this week. i got the word from pastor B yesterday. i don't think i'm ready (i don't i'll ever be ready). i keep thinking about how people are going to see me... if i'm supposed to be a "better example" now... or if people expect things from me: musically, morally, spiritually. but the phrase, "just be yourself", keeps repeating in my head, like a bad self-help tape.



...just be yourself, just be yourself, just be yourself...



myself? the eyes-closed, hands-in-pockets, back-and-forth rocking, microphone-phobic, sweaty-handed, oops-my-pick-fell-into-the-sound-hole self? the head-scratching, easily-distracted, sings-flat-in-public, overly-apologetic self who smells the funky mic, gets disgusted but keeps sniffing?



riiiiiight...

i'm waaaay too sleepy today. i can't seem to stay awake to practice guitar or even write something a bit more meaningful. instead, i close my eyes and let a thick, down comforter gently hug my brain as it snuggles itself into dreamland.



nighty-nite.

so many things can happen in a week.



i think God's making up for all those times i was calling out to Him, but hearing only the echo of my own voice and the muffled sounds of my next-door neighbor's stereo. or maybe i'm just listening harder. eight days ago i wasn't sure what God wanted from me. my prayers left me feeling alot of ?'s and not enough .'s and !'s. starting from last tuesday, though, i really feel like God's been clearly communicating things to me... and He's been definitely challenging me.



i just found out today that i'll be leading praise at the 5pm service. i always kinda thought that i'd get pushed into that position, but i had no idea it'd come so quickly and unexpectedly. i was quite content playing the djembe and trying to harmonize. now i gotta actually think about chords and stuff (if i play guitar, that is). i don't know how i'm going to do this. i haven't led praise in such a formal setting before and i have some size 14s to fill (actually JH and i have the same foot size, i think... but you know what i mean).



Lord, help me.

i had a very looooooong discussion with my roommate about God. i tried to keep it personal and avoid a long-winded theological, philosophical, intellectual debate... but i failed at trying to dodge those topics. i hope he and i both weren't arguing for the sake of arguing, but that i was expressing my faith in God and that he was sincerely seeking Him. i fear that my stubborness had a little too much control though.



God, forgive me for shifting my eyes away from my brother and towards a verbal exchange-- a debate. i love him and hope that You'll soon usher him into Your kingdom. i pray that You wouldn't allow me to trip him up in his struggle with You. i pray that You, Yourself, would demonstrate the overwhelming love You have for him. i pray that Your grace would convict him and that he would come to know You (soon). thank You, Lord, for all that You will do in him. in Jesus' name, Amen.

anger management classes... therapy... prozac...



some emotional problems have clear paths to recovery. what if your affliction is not anger? what if the thorn in your side is not depression? what if, instead, you're trying to get over someone you like? i wish i could just count to ten, take a deep breath and exhale the girl out of my mind. or maybe even pop a few pills and let the the drugs erase my memories of her. (if i invented this kind of medication, i bet i'd make a killing).



some people believe you can't control this feeling... that you can't decide to un-like someone. but why not? i'm a thinker... not a feeler. i can work this out with my brain power! haha. and God can help me too... He wants more of my attention anyways.



i hope i don't sound obsessed or wildly infatuated. it's really not serious. i just want to tame the bear before i start devouring innocent bunnies with my claws and fangs... and big f***ing teeth (a reference to swingers).

i just got back from the retreat. instead of treking back home to queens, i've decided to stay the night at dan's place... i'll have to dress like a scrub to church tomorrow, but at least i'll get some extra sleep.



the retreat was good. the worship time-- for which i was recruited-- was good. bangbang led and i sang back-up and played djembe. we also had someone play the keys. i underestimated these kids. behind the huge (fake) bling bling studs and puffy north face jackets, past the gel-crusted hair and gold chains; the kids were kids. they enjoyed the cheezy ice-breaker games, they joked around, they laughed, they started to open up. i didn't expect to have so much in common with these boys. we connected on family issues and our christian walks. they shared and i related. i shared and i think they related. i realize more and more how God has protected and sustained me through my teen years. one of my aunts once told me that she thought it was a "miracle" that i turned out to be "normal", given the environment in which i grew up. do i agree? i guess it depends on how you define "normal"... haha.



my body's tired. my hair is greasy. my stomach is full. i'm gonna sleep well tonight.

peace... it's such an interesting state of being. my heart feels a little bit sad... my brain a little distracted... but soul is at peace. and it feels so good. i was able to stand up straight, cock my head back and to the side and smile in the midst of the things that are going on in my life.



God and i have made sort of an agreement. He'll hook me up with everything i need in life... passion, love, intimacy, security, comfort, joy, peace (!), etc. all i gotta do is let Him be my top priority. it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, but i promised to try. i promised to try hard.



work has been alot better recently too (He acts fast). we have a little boombox and listen to the music that the attorney i work with likes: tom waits, elvis costello, the smiths, future bible heroes... alot of the music is before my time... but good nonetheless. we still have to stare at papers all day. and sometimes the paper attacks us when we're not paying attention. but we get to talk to pass the time. that's always nice.



this weekend i'm gonna be spending some time with "troubled youth" from the flushing area. i promised to volunteer some of my time and "talents" for this cause... i'll be playing some djembe... singing some songs... and leading some games. the thought of these 18-year-old thugs is slightly intimidating... but i'm tune with my ghetto-ness: i'm funky fresh... i'm dope... i'm off da hook... hahah.



please pray for these young people. those years can be tough for a lot of kids. they need all the prayer and all the God they can get.



peace out.

up until 3 hours ago, i thought my life was boring. somehow now, it's turned into a really bad soap opera: all the drama without all the slapping, back-stabbing and evil twins. i guess then that makes it a good soap opera... or not even a soap opera... just a drama.



i'm happy with a drama. i might prefer a romantic comedy or even an action-adventure. but my life as a drama sure beats a horror flick or any Ernest movie.

picture adam sandler standing right up against phillip seymour hoffman. they're an inch apart and ready to pound each other's faces in. and then come the most threatening words i've ever heard in my life: I have a love in my life, and it gives me more strength than you could ever understand.



i got out of work a little early to watch punch-drunk love. such a beautiful film. my words won't do it justice. just go watch it.







i spent the day completely unsupervised at work. they trust me enough to get things done on my own, but totally underestimate my abilities sometimes. i completed my list of tasks in 2 hours. i spent the rest of the day (unsuccessfully) trying to hack into a computer, so i could check my email and maybe play some iSketch. i took half of a lunch to walk around and eat a caramel sundae. what does one do to kill time without internet access and solitaire? i tried to write. this is the best i could do at work:

a reflection of you peeking through the gap between a crisp, corporate suit and the half-asleep homeless man he's inching away from,



a reflection of you resting on the surface of a scratched-up subway window that darkens as the sun ducks behind the city's skyline,



a reflection of you betraying its owner as it exposes the weight of your eyelids, the weakness of your jaw, the wandering of your spirit,



a reflection of you growing stronger and more true as the glass struggles to keep separated the outside darkness from the light flickering within.

i'm in one of those pensive moods. some people may think i'm depressed, others may see it as being tired. but i'm just leaning back in my chair and letting my mind and heart play tag.



i just didn't feel like tap dancing today... i didn't feel like being the talkative one... i didn't feel like jumping through hoops and rolling over for a chalky biscuit, while pretending it's a juicy t-bone.



no. not today. maybe not tomorrow either.

i saw a girl crying today. i was standing on the platform, waiting for the N-train to take me into manhattan. i slowly worked my way over to the front of the train, as i knew i'd eventually have to exit on the south side of my final stop. as i neared the area where the first car stops, i saw a girl wearing a baseball cap low, covering half of her face. she stood there with her cell phone up against her ear. i couldn't tell if she was having a conversation with someone or just listening to a message because i never saw her move her lips to talk. i could see light reflecting off of the tear-trail that ran across her nose. another trail spreading over her cheek. i tried not to stare, but she wouldn't have noticed anyways. she was too busy listening to a voice on her phone... too busy wiping her face with the sides of her free hand.



naturally, i wondered what words were being uttered through her phone, so as to induce such pain in this girl. perhaps a voicemail message revealed news of a friend's unexpected passing. maybe she had just broken up with her boyfriend and was too heart-broken to hang up the phone... she just held it to her ear. the train came and i walked in and sat down.



i looked at my reflection in the subway window. i couldn't recall the last time i cried. i wondered if i could make myself cry. what agony would i have to imagine to draw tears from my eyes? where would i have to take my mind to make my heart, soul and body respond in this way?



i thought about love... about a person giving his/her insecurities, vulnerabilities, passions and open hands to another... only to be met with a heart that beats for someone else. something in the back of my neck started to move upwards towards the front of my face. i could feel a heaviness along the edge of my eyelids. i had to divert my attention to reverse the momentum of these emotions, so i could return to my "normal" robotic state.

my days are spent sprinting,

my head tilted and low, my weary legs kicking.

the blind clock ticking.



the pace is set by 4 suits i just met:

two greys, a navy and a pin-stripe quartet,

whose rhythm i can't quite get.

with my overtime pay, can i buy an hour?



just sixty minutes to close my dry eyes,

to fold my hands over my stomach and hear my own deep sighs,

to stop and think, perhaps sneak in a feeling

of peace. of love. of hurting. of healing.

white-knuckled fists and palms raised to the ceiling.



one hour with an elbow on my desk,

allowing the side of my face, upon a flat hand, to rest.

a hand rubbing a temple, instead of beating a chest.



one hour to see you.

one hour to see you seeing me.

one hour to just be.

one hour to just be loved by thee.

don't forget to set your clocks back an hour.

i like the light tapping of rain on my head-- raindrops typing out words and phrases on my brain as i stroll home. kicking through puddles on the sidewalk. looking up to feel the faint massage of droplets on my face... if i wasn't so concerned about ruining my cashmere/wool jacket and leather/suede shoes, i'd walk around in the rain all night.



this is what kurt cobain likes:

I like punk rock. I like girls with weird eyes. I like drugs. (But my Body and mind won�t allow me to take them). I like passion. I like playing my cards wrong. I like vinyl. I like to feel guilty for being a white, American male. I love to sleep. I like to taunt small, barking dogs in parked cars. I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards my appearance. I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up with besides my primal sincerity. I like sincerity. I lack sincerity ... I like to complain and do nothing to make things better. I like to blame my parents generation for coming so close to social change then giving up after a few successful efforts by the media & Government to deface the movement by using Mansons and other Hippie representatives as propaganda examples on how they were nothing but unpatriotic, communist, satanic, inhuman diseases. and in turn the baby boomers become the ultimate, conforming, Yuppie hypocrites a generation has ever produced.

we ain't go--in no--where, we ain't goin' nowhere, we can't be stopped now, 'cuz it's bad boy for life...



in no sense of the word am i a "bad boy". which is unfortunate, because i know plenty of girls that fall for these rough-around-the-edges types of guys... and none who've expressed their fancy for goody-goodys like me. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to self-depricate here (nor am i trying to self-glorify)... it's just that i think i've led a very sheltered life.



i had dinner with a couple of brothers today. when three hungry, young guys get together for some jja jjang myun, it's not just the noodles that get saucy. i'm sure people were noticing the ruckus we were making: bursts of laughter and literal knee-slapping moments. the conversation made a few interesting turns and-- a few times-- went down a path i didn't expect to tread. haha... too bad i can't elaborate... some things are better left untouched. =0) anyways, the question of how many "girlfriends" (serious or not) we've had came up and i had to throw up the universal "okay" sign to indicate my big, fat ZERO. seriously, though... what was i doing in high school? what was i doing in college? i'm now at an age where it's kind of embarassing to say/realize that i have the relationship history of a 3rd grader. it sucks that i don't think girls have cooties anymore... at least that was a good excuse. i don't know where i'm going with this... so i'm just gonna stop because i'm exhausted.



a quick job update: i tempted at the music company again and actually had a chance to be interviewed for the position there. i'd be working under two VPs, so i have another interview round when the other VP starts in a week and a half. i'm really excited about the position. the work environment is awesome... each person gets their own stereo and a nearly unlimited supply of CDs, snapples and chex mix. Lord, hook me up.



portfolio update: i managed to get everything uploaded... now it's just a matter of making sure it looks good on any computer, on any browser... and tweaking the design and content. here's the url: http://www.freewebs.com/roboto/portfolio/. please post comments and suggestions here... every little bit helps. thanks.

this music industry job's been on my mind alot. i had touble focusing today on my boring legal duties-- photocopying, indexing, refiling, solving mysterious puzzles that previous helpers left behind when they jumped ship... same old, same old.



i've pretty much finished my portfolio. i found some "free" webspace that allows ALOT of storage and contains no pop-ups or banners. but as i was trying to upload my files, i realized that they restrict my uploads to one document at a time. if i want to upload batches of files (through FTP or through a separate multiple-file-upload page), i have to PAY! arrrrgh! i decided to buy one month's access to the ftp service, so i can upload all 500 files in one fell swoop... i paid the 5 bucks, but then they tell me that instructions will arrive via email within 48 hours. arrrrgh (again)! i guess i can't get my site up tonight.



i'm still debating whether or not to publicize my portfolio (when it gets uploaded). first off, it's linked to my resume. i can't figure out why, but displaying my resume to the world makes me uncomfortable. and secondly, i'm a bit self-conscious about my design work. am i being too weird about this? or can you guys relate? what should i do?

job update:



so on monday, i had a one-day temp assignment. despite the low(er) pay and the fact that i had to answer phones all day, i took the job because it was at a major record label. i was hoping the assignment would be extended, so i'd have more than 8 hours to convince these music executives that they absolutely need me... that the company wouldn't be able to operate without me... that i'd single-handedly revolutionize the music industry. but, alas, today i had to report back at the legal job (blehhh).



as i was miserably flipping through the dusty files of some pack-rat attorney, i received a call today from said record label saying that they loved me and are considering me for a full-time position (!!!). i would be working under a dude who'd head up the online marketing division, doing some online design work (right up my alley!). excitedly, i had to sneak onto a computer and send them my resume. i sure hope i get this!



to help boost my impression, i'm making an online portfolio of a bunch of design work i've done since college. i should be spending alot more time on it, but i also need to get some sleep for tomorrow. hopefully, i'll have time to finish my page tomorrow night.



i thought it would be a stretch for me to charm the executives in FIVE days... i never even imagined i could do it in ONE. this is what you call a miracle. i hope this door opens up for me.



people, help me knock!

what is love? (baby, don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more)



i've been talking about relationships alot lately... and this "love language" topic seems to come up every once in a while. apparently, there's some guy that wrote a book about five different ways people express their love:

- sharing time (face time)

- giving gifts (flowers, diamonds, ring pops)

- showing (physical) affection (hugs and kisses)

- expressing their feelings verbally ("ooh, baby, you fly!")

- doing things (taking out the trash, holding the door for her, letting her pluck your eyebrows)

apparently, people tend to express their love in the same way they prefer to receive it. and these five forms are ranked differently for each person. i must be love-deprived because when i see this list they all seem equally important to me. and when i think about the way i express my affection to people-- and the way i like to receive it-- i'm moved to (and by) all of them. maybe when i get into a relationship, i'll be able to see myself more clearly. right now though, i'm happy with any of the above methods...



someone, show me some looooove!

i'm so shallow.



i've been thinking about what to write about today. i thought maybe i should write about how some girl said i have a good personality (this sounds like a good thing, but not when the question is, "don't you think i'm hot?"). or maybe i should write about the disgustingly huge burger i ate today. but then, after having talked with some people, i realized that i'm a very shallow person. while i sit here thinking about the pathetic things that run through my little brain, people have real things going on in their hearts... in their souls.



i have to take my eyes off of myself and see the people around me. and not just see them... but feel them... and struggle with them... and care for them... and cry with them... and pray with them... and pray with them more... and when i'm not with them, pray for them.



things are easier said than done. i need God's help. pray for me and i'll pray for you.

i discovered today that there are basically two ways to dance... sexy or goofy. guess which one i'm good at and which one i'm sucky at.



an old college friend invited me to a party she was throwing for one of her law schoolmates. even though i didn't know the birthday girl, i still wanted to go out to see some old friends. myldwin and dan decided to join me after chillin' with dlim and co. filter 14 was packed with asian people... i was shocked to see so many faces i recognized. seeing dartmouth faces made the party seem like a frat party. but i was more surprised to run into some girls i recognized from church. i don't want to bore you with details, but the following are more of my observations about my night:

- some girls when inebriated are very ditzy

- i don't know how to dance sexy. i have trouble making eye contact and don't know what to do with my hands.

- dancing's no fun when you don't go with a bunch of friends, many of whom should be chicas

- i'm not good at saying hi to people i haven't seen in a while or people i don't know really well

- buying drinks for girls gets expensive, especially when after you offer, they invite other people to the bar and then you feel obligated to pay for them too.

- living in queens sucks late at night... it takes forever to get home.

i have to do laundry tomorrow morning... must commence snoring soon.

Now the world don't move,

To the beat of just one drum,

What might be right for you,

May not be right for some.



A man is born,

He's a man of means,

Then along come two,

They got nothin but their jeans.



And they've got Diff'rent Strokes,

It takes Diff'rent Strokes,

it takes Diff'rent strokes to move the world.



Everybody's got a special kind of story,

Everybody finds a way to shine,

It don't matter what cha got,

Not a lot...So what?

You've got your, they have theirs, and I have mine,

And together we'll be fine, Cause,

It takes Diff'rent Strokes,

It takes Diff'rent Strokes,

It takes Diff'rent Strokes to move the World!



copyright unknown (i tried to find it)

i downloaded a few new ringers for my phone today. including the one above. the others include the themes to ESPN Sportscenter, Knight Rider and Batman.



not much else is going on... i'm just chillin' in the village, staying the night at "the farm" and heading to a meeting in the morning.

right now, i just gotta sleeeeeeeep.

pastor bruce asked me to sing a song this week at church... for the "special presentation" part of the 5pm service. i've been thinking about what song to sing for a couple weeks now, but i wasn't excited about any of the ideas that my head was trying to pump out. but as i was listening to the mixed cd i made for the 5pm praise team, i heard a british voice squeezing the echoes of my heart out of his throat:

When My Heart Runs Dry



When my heart runs dry, and there's no song to sing

No holy melody, no words of love within

I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped



And I'll remember You

I will turn back and do the things I used to do

For the love of You

Lord I'll remember You

I will turn back and do the things I used to do

For the love of You



You are my soul's desire, You are the hope within

You bring my heart to life, You make my spirit sing

I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped



And I'll remember You

I will turn back and do the things I used to do

For the love of You

Lord I'll remember You

I will turn back and do the things I used to do

For the love of You



Matt Redman � 2001 Kingsway's Thankyou Music

when i see these words, my heart sinks. when i hear them, my body trembles. when i sing them... when my soul sings them, i feel like i'm dying and living at the same time.

Lord, help me.



i've been having a hard time praying lately. i bow my head, fold my hands, close my eyes and try to focus on God... but i can't. the only words that come to my mind are: Lord, help me. it frustrates me that i can't interpret the tuggings of my heart, i can't parse the thoughts of my mind, i can't transpose the singing of my soul. especially now, as i feel like i'm the most open/vulnerable i've ever allowed myself to be.



on the 7-train, as my head leans back against the car wall: Lord, help me... walking down through manhattan with my chin tucked into the opening of my coat, i breathe: Lord, help me... sitting alone in a plush leather chair in a conference room and surrounded by legal documents, post-its and rubber bands: Lord, help me.



Lord, help me. Lord, help me. Lord, help me.

i got a call today from my temp agency. last week's employer wants me back for the rest of this week. ugh. i was looking forward to just chilling this week. but this is probably best for me. it's supposed to rain anyways. i was gonna blog today about how chicken i am... i have a couple good stories about that... but instead i'm just gonna call it an early night and keep you guys in suspense (or in indifference which is probably the case). the (somewhat) exciting stories will have to wait.



actually, i don't know why i'm hyping it. they're actually pretty dumb.

just in case you didn't know, i'm a superhero in my spare time. here's my (not-so-secret-anymore) secret identity:





i think it's pretty accurate (except for the part about being russian and the lethal virus). i even maintain my robotic-ness.



what do you guys think?

car! game off!



i'm taking an official time out. i need to rest, restrategize and even question the game. i had a short discussion with a friend today about "the game". i think you all know what i'm talking about: those psychological mind games guys and girls play in (or to be in) relationships. i'm gonna try to step back and take an objective stance on the matter. analyze it a bit and hopefully come to a conclusion as to how i should deal with this sport.



let's start with the m-w.com definition of the word game:

a physical or mental competition conducted according to rules with the participants in direct opposition to each other

to me the game seems more "mental" than "physical" but i concede that there are physical aspects to the game i'm talking about. the hug, the kiss, the hand-hold, the subtle touch on the shoulder or small of her back... all offensive moves that can be used in "competition". to have a competition we need participants... and some sort of conflicting goal. in most games, the ultimate goal is to win, to obtain some sort of prize, glory or satisfaction at the expense of another's defeat. i find this part a bit troubling. what happens when a romance is started? who loses in that case? i guess if i think of it as trying to actively win, as opposed to trying to make the opponent lose, it helps me see an instance where both parties can mutually win.



next. "conducted according to rules". we've all had countless talks about relationships and the rules... and eveyone seems to play according to their own unique set of guidelines. here's a sampling of some of the most recent "rules" i've heard. don't tell too many people that you're interested in someone. the reasoning: word travels fast and it'd suck if that person was the LAST person to find out about your interest. also, it kind of makes the person look cowardly. the best way to see if someone is interested in you is to hang out with his/her friends... if the person you're "observing" still gives you alot of attention, you have a reciprocated interest. makes sense to me. to know if you should pursue a person or not: pray until God loudly and clearly speaks to you. theoretically a good rule, but difficult in practice.



the last part is the toughest for me to swallow: "with the participants in direct opposition to each other". i think this is where my problem lies. my natural assumption is to believe that the opponent is the girl... the one in whom i'm interested. so i assemble my team, assign my guy friends to be my wingmen (a la topgun), enlist some coaches and trainers, devise a strategy and plant my cleats in the grass, ready to get down and dirty. what i'm starting to realize, though, is that it's not always the girl that's setting up the formidible defense... it's myself. my insecurity, my fear of rejection and my chickenness are the ones that are trying to pummel me to the ground. they're the ones that are blocking my passes and killing my running game. i'm my own opponent. the girl is just the steroids they're taking.



the game becomes alot harder for me now, but at least i've established who exactly i'm playing here. it a tough match-up. i'm gonna have to watch rudy for some inspiration.



game on!

rain rain go away come again another day...



despite the constant downpour and the depression this type of weather usually brings, i managed to have a pleasant day. i was up late last night working on a "slideshow" for mike and wenny's wedding today. the only thing i'd done up to that point was scan the photos (which took a couple hours), so i had to edit the photos, choose the music, digitize the interviews, edit them and put it all together by today. what a task! to make a long story short, i threw something together and people seemed to enjoy it, so i'm happy. i have to remember to start much earlier next time, though. pulling all-nighters is bad for my mood and my neighbors' comfort. i was so cranky last night and for the first half of the day... having to deal with all kinds of wedding preparations. important lesson: time is valuable. i can't work crazy hours, create short movies and run errands for a wedding without having a nervous breakdown-- and losing alot of sleep. the wedding was nice. i got to eat steak, shake my boo-tay (to horrible horrible music, however) and celebrate with friends. life should be so simple!



i'm heading to the lost-and-found. they might be able to hook me up with my lost sleep. while i'm at it, i should also check for my patience and my mind.

call me chubbs (actually don't. i'll cry). working has developed unhealthy trends in my daily routine. first of all, i'm busy from the moment i enter the building, so i don't have time to eat breakfast (bad, because it doesn't start my metabolism). i actually don't end up eating until 3 most of the time. by this point the cafeteria in my building is closed, so i gotta grab either mcdonald's (can you say "grease" mac?), street vendor food (not exactly sanitary stuff, but mmm mmm good) or those deli salad bar things (i hear horror stories about these places all the time). again, because of time, i inhale my food and end up getting sleepy at work. so i start chuggin diet pepsi. lots and lots of diet pepsi. for some reason this gives me a sweet tooth, so i munch on cookies and stuff throughout the rest of the day.



in addition to the poor diet i maintain, the extent of my excerise involves flipping papers and pushing the "start copy" button on the machine. i don't get a chance to eat dinner at the office, so i come home late, starving. last night i stole a slice of cold pizza from my roommate before hitting the sack. tonight i sleep with a stomach full of cha-dol-beggi. yum.



good thing i'm exercising now. i'm working hard trying to keep my eyes open long enough to finish up blogging. eyelid squats. who knew my eyelashes could be so heavy. some one help... i need a spot!

i refuse to talk about work. i don't want to bore you with the details of my day. in fact, there's no point in having small talk on my blog. in fact, there's no point in having small talk ever! from now on i'm going to just ask and speak deep thoughts.



...



this is harder than i thought.... work sucked. i stayed at the office 'til 10:30pm. didn't even have time to grab dinner. my (half) lunch was spent interviewing wenny for their wedding reception slideshow this saturday. i want to include little sound clips, so we can see AND hear them. i had to interview mike after i got off work.



i didn't realize i'd be working so much this week... otherwise, i'd be working hard on this slideshow (or at least procrastinating by watching TV!).

i decided to conquer my job today. i had the ambitious hope of strolling in with my head held high and with a huge smile on my face... instead i jogged in with puffy eyes and greasy hair.



my supervisor asked me to come into work by 8:30 this morning. this is a very difficult task when your mind bum-rushes into consciousness in the morning-- opening your eyes and flabberghasted when your alarm clock is screaming "8:49am... 8:49am... 8:49am..." didn't have time to take a shower, just washed my face, brushed my teeth and flew out the door in a tie and some comfortable shoes.



she didn't give me a hard time, but commenced working me like a dog from the minute i got there. a few hours of photocopying and a whole lotta redacting (that's when you have documents with priviliged information that needs to be "whited-out", so the opposing counsel (and the judge/jury) can't see it: i use a bunch of white tape to cover up the eviden--i mean, err... "sensitive" material-- and plaster the sheet with stickers that read, "redacted"). sounds like fun, huh? try doing it for 6 hours straight.



i couldn't even take a lunch break. and i had to work overtime... if i didn't have praise practice, i'd probably still be at the office with white stickers all over my body, trying to papercut my wrists.



i was trying to write a poem in my head on the subway ride home. i need to put it on paper, but i'm too tired. i'm finally inspired, but don't have the strength to follow-through. what a sad irony my life is becoming!

paralegal temping sucks. what a boring, lifeless existence-- to stare at papers all day. we're not even talking about fun, colorful, pretty paper; it's stained with time and smells like the corners of my garage (not this webpage (i know some of you are sniffing your monitors) you know that little room where people store their garbage-- wait, is that just my family?). and they're all financial reports: AFIs, ADVs, BDs and RFPs... i was waiting for someone to come ask me for TPS sheets (an allusion to the documentary Office Space).



i must learn to take joy in the little things like staring blankly out the window, praying for that bird to come crashing through the window, producing a mighty, gushing draft that'd send all these legal documents drifting over rockefeller center. bah... who am i kidding?



paralegal temping sucks!

it's funny the way that God works. actually, i don't mean "funny", i mean "excrutiatingly painful".



i've always thought my fatal flaw was my pride. not the hey-look-at-how-smart- cool-and-good-looking-i-am kind of arrogance that makes for bad teeny-bopper antagonists. but one layered with subtlety, undergirded with a laid-back attitude and saturated with false-humility. as i tried to grow as a christian, though, i realized i had to deal with this garbage: either take it out or let it infest the apartment with its horrendous stench. i pleaded God for a serving of humility.



i asked for a slice, but it feels like i got a pie in the face. now i feel so ridiculously insecure, i can't stand it. i walked home from the train station with my chin glued to my chest. (i do my best thinking when i'm walking, i keep my eyes on the ground to avoid distractions and dog poop.) as i was thinking about my job situation, my music, my interests, my role at remnant, i couldn't help but feel so inadequate--in some cases, even paranoid. don't comment to try to encourage me by saying "don't feel insecure, you're good at blah blah blah". i think this is just God's way of pulling down from my home-made pedestal and letting me see what it's like in the mud. i'm sure i'll be on my feet on solid ground in no time.



the problem is: right now, the mud feels alot like quicksand.

se�or roboto est� en la casa!



i just got home from a (sort of) wild night of singing and hanging out with jee's friends. jee will soon be leaving neuva york for a 6 month hiatus in kansas city (which--i recently found out-- is NOT in the state of kansas). we all wish her well and wanted to show her how much she'll be missed, so we hung out at tammy's apartment, dilly-dallied over to sing sing karaoke, realized the wait was too long, so took some cabs over to k-town and sung our throats dry. (all going-away parties should be so action-packed). ho ho...



pat also took his lsat today, so we celebrated for him too. his celebration consisted of lupe's east l.a. kitchen, walking all over soho and washington square park, listening/watching various street performers, checking out skateboards (for our new wannabe hobby) and walking some more.



i'm exhausted and need to stuff my body into my mattress. hasta la ma�ana...

it's official. starting monday, roboto is once again a corporate slave. you don't want to hear about this and i don't want to type about it, so...



i went to an old co-worker's birthday party today. i was expecting to meet her cute korean argentinian friend and her music-industry-employed roommate, but neither showed up. it was good to see a bunch of my office buddies though. they're all so kissy... when they see you, they do that whole kiss-on-the-cheek thing. it's something i'm not used to, but i like it. roboto needs kisses. (hahah, that sounds weird). half of them still work for that ridiculous company. the other half have moved on to bigger and better things: freelance writing, social work grad school, law school, etc. they're all older, so i don't feel entirely jealous that they've figured out what they want to do in life. after some tapas, yelling over the music, cheek-kissing and about 8 glasses of sangria, i decided to head out and go for a walk.



i was surprised to see that urban outfitters was still open. i strolled in and bought a couple of t-shirts, breaking my shopping fast. i continued down 14th street into union square park and watched a bunch of breakers hanging out. they weren't dancing for money, they were dancing to fit in.



i eventually made my way into the subway station, but stopped to listen to some busking. two college-aged girls: one playing the bass, the other playing an electric and singing into one of those headgear mics. it was one part norah jones, one part bebel gilberto, one part avril lavigne. altogether mellow, soulful tunes with an mtv twist. i threw my spare change into her gig bag and scribbled my email address on their mailing list.



number of free days remaining: 2

for the first time in a long while, i stayed at home all day today-- what a waste of an unlimited metrocard! i cleaned my apartment, i made myself lunch (bokkeumbap made with hotdogs), ate the leftovers for dinner, watched tv, cleaned my email inbox... i did leave the building to go grocery shopping. jiffy corn bread mix was on sale for 33 cents. so i made some corn bread... yummmm.



just as i was opening the door to my apartment, i got a call from my parents. weirdness commences. i answer and (#1) it's my dad. my dad never calls me. he and i don't have the most buddy-buddy relationship, so it's usually my mom's voice i expect to hear and my dad just blurting out things in the background. i was also surprised to hear (#2) no nagging... just a bunch of pleasantries: jahl it nya? (translation: how's it going?), byul leed ub go? (translation: everything's okay?), etc. he gives the phone to my mom and she says they (#3) may come visit me sometime this month or next. i've lived away from home for over 7 years now and my parents have visited me twice-- for a total of 8 hours. the first time was for my college graduation: they came for the commencement, stayed for lunch and, right after, drove back down with my aunts. the second time was sometime last year. they were in town on business and had time to buy me lunch (when my parents are paying, i almost always choose kalbi). my mom continues to repeat the same pleasantries my dad already asked-- something i expect to hear from my mom. she still urges me to go to law school-- no conversation with my parents is complete without it-- but (#4) only says it once. (#5) she ends the conversation with the phrase i've never heard come from the mouth of my mom: "i love you", followed by a giggle. as you may have already guessed, my family's not affectionate. no hugs, no kisses, no birthday parties or pats on the back. you may think it's sad (or maybe not, i don't know), but this is the way i've grown up. it's what i'm used to.



it's interesting that she said it in english. my mom doesn't really speak english. her english is limited to "big mac" and "bye". in fact, her spanish is waay better than her english, having lived in L.A. for so long (she doesn't conjugate very well, but she still communicates her point). i wonder if she thought i wouldn't understand if she said it in korean. or maybe she just thought it was weirder to say in her native language. and that giggle. she shares it with her two youngest sisters (my aunts). i've heard it many times before, but i don't think i've ever heard it as an attachment to one of her own statements. she doesn't really make jokes. sometimes it's spontaneous or it follows a cheezy remark someone makes. but something about hearing her own voice uttering the words "i love you" made her giddy.



today must be bizarro day.

the remainder of this week may be my last few days as a free man. i may be joining the corporate workforce starting monday. i should be finding out about my temp job sometime this morning. realizing that my days are numbered, i want one last hurrah, but i can't seem to come up with a good plan. the only thing i can think to do is shop, eat and shop some more. there must be some fun activity for a young, strapping, single guy like me. hahaha.



i lost the battle to try to stay awake during star trek: enterprise today. waking up when my alarm clock has a green dot next to "AM" is tough. functioning throughout the day with that amount of sleep is even tougher. i may have to start sleeping at 10pm. what an old fogey i am!

the interview at the temp agency went well. they already have a job in mind for me. despite the fact that i said i wanted a job in a creative industry, they're sending me out on an interview at a major investment bank to temp in their legal department. i hear horror stories about being a temp... alot of them from here. we'll see how it goes for me. the thing i'm most dreading: business casual (and the occasional "professional attire" days). gone are my days of sneakers and t-shirts. i have to tuck in my shirt, comb my knappy hair and start saying things like, "good morning" and "how do you do?".



hahaha... i guess it's not so soo bad. sigh.

little roboto's all grown up now.

busking is alot harder than i thought. today, danielle and i decided to meet up and try to make some money with our singing. we strapped on our guitars and plopped down on the platform of the brooklyn-bound N, R, Q, W train at union square. i realized that you have to really work the crowd to earn their spare change. you can't just entertain them, you have to move them. i thought i could get away singing "california girls" and my unsoulful version of "ain't no sunshine". danielle demonstrated that you have to really sing your guts out if you want them to crack open their wallets. the songs that earned the most money were also the songs that appeared to touch them the most: "amazing grace" and "i still haven't found what i'm looking for". after almost an hour of singing, we had just enough to buy ourselves lunch at mickey-d's (off of the dollar menu).



i have an interview at a temp agency tomorrow. if things go well, i'll "get to" file paperwork and answer the phone for a living. whooopppeee

i can't sing in public. let me rephrase-- i can't sing from the heart in public. at least, i think that's what it is...



let me explain. i sang a song today at church. we have a time right after praise and before the sermon that is reserved for some sort of special presentation. sometimes there's a skit, sometimes a testimony, but most of the time it's a special song. today i sang a song. i've performed in public before: in college, i sang in an a cappella group and i've been in multiple drama presentations before (including yesterday at the ravi zacharias event). never in my life have i been as nervous as i was today. my leg was shaking so much, i had to rock back and forth to mask the spasms. i had to keep my eyes closed for 98% of the song. i strained to push air through my throat, only to hit the notes flat.



i think the only way to describe the feeling is: vulnerable. i'm standing there, singing a song addressed to God... a song that represents and describes my personal relationship with Him-- in all it's depth and shallowness. but i'm doing before a crowd of people, many of whom i don't know. i fear what the people think of me: will they think i'm faking it? am i faking it? will they think i'm over-spiritualizing or religiositizing it? am i religiositizing it? will they see through my shell and discover a stained, unworthy heart? will they judge me? will they understand me? will they relate?

Everything by Lifehouse



Find me here, and speak to me. I want to feel You, I need to hear You

You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace... again



You are the strength that keeps me walking; You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the Life to my soul. You are my purpose. You are everything



And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?



You calm the storms, and You give me rest. You hold me in your hands; You won't let me fall.

You still my heart and You take my breath away

Would You take me in? Would You take me deeper now?



'Cause You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything

Everything.

people said they enjoyed the song. i wonder if anyone noticed my nakedness.

what do you do when you're dead tired and there's a bunch of clothes scattered all over your bed?



you blog. well, at least i do. i'm not quite ready to separate all of these clothes, so i'm procrastinating. today was t-dawg's birthday. we had brunch and watched a capoeira "baptism" (the ceremony at which capoeiristas get promoted). there was a brazilian dance troupe that performed at dartmouth a few years back-- i had an opportunity to participate in their capoeira workshop and remember having such a good time. watching all of those moves today makes me want to give it another try.



in the evening i went to the second half of the ravi zacharias mind-blowing extravaganza. (he was actually at a much slower, less headache-inducing pace today).



there's alot i've been thinking about lately, but i haven't got the energy to rethink my thoughts and type them out for y'alls. maybe tomorrow.

3am is quickly approaching and i have a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'm doing.



the ravi zacharias talk gave me a headache. i haven't used my brain in such a long time. he speaks so articulately and with such depth, that i had to push my mind to keep up. when normally i would be easily distracted by a mispronounced word, some weird lighting problem or a hot girl sitting across the room; ravi had a way of commanding my full attention. it must be a gift.



i'm looking forward to the second part of his talk (today). i'm not looking forward to the revised skit--or new skit-- we may have to do. (i was under the impression that this was 2 1-day events, as opposed to 1 2-day event... so we prepared only one skit... dan, rich and i were trying to see if we could write up a new skit for the second talk-- or at the very least, add something to the first skit to make it less boring for the people that attend both days). regardless, God's gonna have to push us through this one.



i'm crashing.

so i think i'm back to the idea of not going to law school. not 100% sure though. it's still something i have to pray about.



i had a pretty full day. the first half was with tammy: helping her pick out the best router (by "best" i mean "cheapest"), lunch, chillin', etc. afterwards, pat and i went down to jenie & dani's place to watch must see tv and order-in. dani and i decided to busk (play music for money) next week, so we had a mini jam session.



i'm beat, but i have to take care of some audio editing for the ravi zacharias talk friday and saturday. so i'm outtie.

the weather's getting nice. good weather indicator #1: i had to snooze a couple times this morning because my bed was just so cozy. good weather indicator #2: i was rummaging through my dresser to find something to wear, but realized that all of my long-sleeved stuff was packed away (i was too lazy to actually go looking for stuff, so i threw on a wool jacket). it's not that i love colder weather... it's just that the new york humidity was just too intolerable.



two of my immos (korean for aunt on mom's side) were in town this morning getting their hair done in k-town. the younger one's moving to cincinnatti for her husband's dental practice, so this was their last trek out to manhattan for a while. it's cool talking to them; their perspectives fall somewhere between my mom's and mine. they're seriously making me consider going to law school. i mean, it'd definitely make my parents happy. it'd definitely be a steady source of income (upon graduation, that is). it's a "repsectable" vocation (this is questionable to me). i don't know. i don't want to deal with the boring reading, the boring classmates and the debt! BUT it made me think, "maybe god's closing all of these music industry doors on me for a reason." something i gotta pray about.



after saying hi and getting some yohng-dohn (spending money), i had lunch and caught a movie with kinky-T. atanarjuat, the fast runner is a film adaptation of an Inuit ("eskimo") folk tale. it's a cool 3-hours of snow, japanese-looking people and a culture that's the exact opposite of new york city life. atanarjuat is the best use of digital filmmaking (waaaay cheaper than film) i've seen, so far. and it's beautiful. check it out if you get a chance.



i'm crawling into my warm bed now.

i just took an attachment style questionnaire. i'm happy to find that i have relatively low "attachment-related anxiety" and equally low "attachment-related avoidance" which, apparently, means i'm "secure". the weird thing, for me, about the questionnaire was that the questions referred to my "romantic partner". i've never had one. so my answers were all speculation. i had to imagine i was in a serious relationship with someone and throw myself into these emotions. (somehow, i doubt this study is supposed to operate this way) but this excercise was fascinating for me, nonetheless. when i think about being in such a relationship, i rarely think about whether i'd be the jealous type... whether i'd be insecure of her feelings towards me... whether i'd be fearful of her leaving me. my canvas is clean (with the exception of a few scratches made by lorna (see 9/2/02's entry) and a couple minor flings in college). i think about holding hands and doing that yawn-streach-arm-around-the-girl thing. i think about laughing together and staring at her when she's staring up at the clouds. about sharing special songs and ice cream sundaes. (what a sap i am! i'll stop for the sake of my male readers-- hahaha.)



i guess my point is that i'm either optimistic or naive-- i'm like this about alot of things, not just relationships. and that i'll have to take this survey again when i'm dating... to see if i really know myself and to find my spot on that scale between optimism and naivety.



ps. i've realized that it's hard for me to type while listening to deltron 3030. del doesn't mumble when he raps... he fully enunciates every word. my brain keeps getting distracted by his rhymes. mogwai is much better.