it's my last night in washington... i had a fun time (minus the nagging from the 'rents)... i visited the tacoma art museum... saw michael chang (the tennis player) in bellevue... supported then congratulated my friend on his engagement... did some shopping... had a mini family reunion down in portland... sewed a tiny t-shirt for an uglydoll, just to see some people smile... ate mexican, thai, korean, vietnamese, red robin, jack in the box and homemade chicken marsala and california rolls... i reunited with old friends and made some new ones... and i drove (something i don't get to do much in nyc).



in a few hours...

california, here i come... right back where i started from...

Come they told me... a new born King to see

Our finest gifts we bring to lay before the King

So to honor Him when we come



Little baby, I am a poor boy too

I have no gift to bring that's fit to give our King

Shall I play for You on my drum?



Mary nodded, the ox and lamb kept time

I played my drum for Him... I played my best for Him

Then He smiled at me... me and my drum

i'm in the apple store in the "u-village" (in seattle).

just checkin emails and updating...



i came home to realize that our new house doesn't have cable or an internet connection (or even a computer...).



okay, i feel weird blogging in public. merry christmas everyone!

i can't believe i actually woke up... Seattle (actually, Federal Way and Tacoma), here i come!

the question is whether i should continue to stay awake...

... or if i should take a nap until 5am... at which point i'd need to take a shower and lug all of my stuff to the airport.



the other question is whether i should take public transportation or dish out the 30 bucks for car service.



either way... i'll be stomping on the west coast soon... (!)

[creepy "the ring" voice] 2 days... [/voice]

movin' on u-u-up~...

on friday, i move from my cube into a (windowless) office...

so i'll have a door... but i lose my dorm fridge to a coworker with seniority...

... i'm also transitioning into a full-time creative position (as opposed to being split with the marketing dept.).



i'll get to blast my music (on my computer speakers... haha)

signs of aging...



i woke up in the middle of the night and had to stretch because i was getting a cramp in my calf muscle. seriously... imagine being interupted from your womb-y slumber by sharp excruciation in your chiseled, well-developed muscles (har har...). then imagine your laziness overcoming the pain and drifting back into dreamland... only to be rudely awakened by a second, stronger burst of agony. then in your butt-nakedness (okay, i was wearing underwear)... fumbling out of bed and doing a lunge to exorcise the horrible leg-demon.



is this normal?!?

it's my last week at work! (until i go on vacation... i'm not laid off)

i can't wait to be back home. and california should be alot of fun too...



after work today, i'm visiting p.carl & chris to play some scrabble... i love scrabble. i've been reading word freak-- a non-fiction novel about competetive scrabble. it's warping my notions of what "good" plays are. in tournaments, players average 3-5 bingos (using all 7 tiles) per game and around 32 points per play.



i tried playing literati (yahoo!'s online version of scrabble) last night and got rocked. i averaged 1 bingo per 3 games and about 15 points per play... hahah, needless to say, no tournaments for me in the near future.

i find inspiration from the strangest places sometimes.



today it's anime (i know, i'm a geek). as i was watching one piece today, i realized something: anime characters are so passionate. that's the beauty of the medium... live-action actors risk being criticized for over-acting... but with animation, the artist/animator is free to exaggerate expressions and hyperbolize emotions in the characters. when they laugh, their mouths open wider than the size of their faces... tears fling out of their eyes... and bodies shake with joy.



... and when they cry...



... streams flow down cheeks... lower lips spasm out of control... snot drizzles out of noses... and they emit painful, wailing cries...



i don't remember the last time i really cried. and i've never cried with that kind of intensity (i know, it's "only a cartoon"). it's stupid, i know... but i kinda wish i could have as much passion as these wide-eyed weirdos-- so that when i cry, all kinds of liquid would pour out of my face.

i've come to the conclusion that it is impossible to maintain tidy-ness in my room. i've accumulated too many things... clothes, bills, cds, free-sample chewing gum, ticket stubs, pocket change, tubes of carmex... all these things clutter my room to an unmanagable degree. i try daily, but seem to have only scraped the surface.

so i reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him.

- ecclesiastes 9:1

there's no connection between the two parts of my entry, in case you were searching for one.

except, maybe, that they're both things that were on my mind.

something about the winter makes me think more. the cold weather has my brain working extra hard to keep me warm. i wrote-- actually thought-- a great song on the walk to the path train last night. i should've written it down, 'cause for the life of me i can't remember a single line now.



on another note, when i got off the elevator in my building yesterday, something caught my eye and had my brain fixated for longer than it should have. it's not an uncommon sight, something that most people wouldn't give a second thought. but it managed to capture my attention and now i'm even blogging about it. it's something i haven't seen in a while... something that just looked a bit out of place in my hallway... something that jarred memories, mixed emotions and a bit of homesickness. it was a plush, brown mat with the word "WELCOME" printed on it.



it also got me thinking about girls.

... and how come i don't have girls knocking on my door (figuratively).

and what kind of welcome mat i have laid out there.

haha.

i'm about to write about poop. if you are offended or utterly disgusted by this topic visit my neighbors (<----) or read some lyrics (---->).





so, after a long day at work and with an empty stomach, i walked down to one of the best street vendors in the city (Kwik Meal on 45th/6th). it was a (friggin) cold night, so i couldn't eat in one of the parks as i normally would. i decided to situate myself behind a refillable soda at Togo's.



meal ended and duty called... and i'm not one to deny my boys some (public-toilet-) fresh air. i headed to the back and i found the single occupancy bathroom. score. the bowl was clean, but nyc is nyc and i had no reading material, so i was ready to pump them out and jet. two baby boys had no problems diving into the pool, but the third (and final) was being shy. then *knock* *knock*. shoot. the pressure was on. with one, steady, forceful contraction, junior was out and swimming. *wipe* *wipe* i stand, turn around and discover the yao ming of dookies chillin' like a villian. i pause for a brief moment then hit the switch, but yao was resisiting. flush number 2. but sucker was tall and rigid and the force of the water wasn't breaking mr. ming in half. flush number 3-- with a cough to try to drown out the sound of the flush. nothing. flush number 4-- while holding down the lever (which does nothing, by the way). no change. ARGG. and there's a dude (or dudette) waiting!



i scanned the bathroom to see if there was anything i could use to chop up Mr. Stubborn. not a (friggin) thing in site. for a moment i considered just abandoning my boy. then, i considered using my own finger to push him though. absolutely no (friggin) way! (desperate) flush number 5. this time yao moved a little. flush number 6. yes, he'd started to turn around. with 3 more attempts, i'd managed to rotate that sucker and send him on his way. whew. i quickly washed my hands and exited quickly.



the guy waiting must've thought i was crazy or having major problems (which i guess i was).



question of the day: what the heck did i eat to create indestructable turds?

anyone in the nyc area, really really bored, free at around 7pm tomorrow (monday) and into dolls?

forget about the doll-part.

free beer anyone?



(let me clarify: i'm not into beer, but there's an event i want to check out. maybe the free alcohol appeals to you.)

am i mysterious?

i was voted "most mysterious" at my church back in tacoma. and 2 individuals (from different circles) in l.a. have called me mysterious.



am i though? i've always considered myself pretty transparent. i strive to be genuine to everyone i meet... i try to be honest with myself constantly. i wonder what gives off this vibe of intrigue?



don't get me wrong-- i'd rather be mysterious than boring. but, to be frank, "boring" is probably the more accurate adjective for this roboto.



i just hope i'm not crushing the expectations of this swarm* of cute girls with my immense triteness.







* by "swarm" i mean "handful**"

** by "handful" i mean "couple***"

*** by "couple" i mean "non-existent".

it's 4:30pm and the sun's already setting.

i've decided to spend thanksgiving with my aunt and her family (and their young adult group-- my aunt's husband is a pastor). i was hoping for a low-key holiday, but it looks like i'll have to be all social. haha. maybe i have mono.



1.75 down, .75 to go!

we had a building-wide evacuation drill today. i'd received a tip that it was happening at around 11am today, so i cut out early-- took the elevator to avoid having to walk down 35 flights of stairs. we got the green-light to come back into the office, but i seem to be the only one back on my floor.



my neck hurts. can anyone get me a deal on a nice tempur-pedic bed and/or pillow?



i'm so happy that it's a 2.5-day work week. .5 down, 2 to go!

killing time 'til the printer finishes spitting out my work.



i borrowed the Lost in Translation soundtrack from my jefe. the OST producer did a good job of recreating the mood of the film. now i'm in this soul-searching mood.



printer's done. time to take a nice, brisk walk to 29th & 3rd.

Have to catch an early train

Got to be to work by nine

And if I had an air-o-plane

I still couldn�t make it on time



�cause it takes me so long

Just to figure out what I�m gonna wear

Blame it on the train

But the boss is already there



It�s just another manic monday

I wish it was sunday

�cause that�s my funday

My I-don�t-have-to-run day

It�s just another manic monday

-- "Manic Monday" by the Bangles

i don't particularly like this song. especially that last verse.

but i really do wish it were sunday.

instant messaging is a horrible form of communication. it's funny, i was just talking to people about this the other day... but only yesterday did i realize this truth. IM is completely absent of non-verbal cues and subtle (or any) vocal intonations. no one can tell when i'm joking, being sarcastic, innocently teasing... what's worse is that i have no way of determining if the recipient is taking my comments in the appropriate way. in real life i can take a hint... i'm self-taught to adjust my words/actions when i'm sitting in front of a tight smile or furrowed brows. but when typeface and color choice are the only representations of a person, miscommunication is inevitable.



but i'm not blaming everything on this flawed form of expression. i've been struggling for control over my tongue for years now (that sounds weird). i want to build people up with my words; i want them to be a source of life and comfort; i want them to be used for good and not evil. yet somehow, i manage to insert my entire foot-- infected toe and all-- directly into my pie hole.



if you're ever a witness to-- or God forbid, recipient of-- my verbal diarrhea, please feel free to pinch me. i need to be conditioned.

My tongue will speak of your righteousness and of your praises all day long.

- psalm 35:28

okay. this podiatrist wants to cut off half of my big toenail... saying that it MIGHT grow back normally in SIX months. i don't want some half-mutated, fungal big toe this summer.



i have this in-grown toenail that got infected earlier this year... i didn't think much of it, but my med-school friend was shocked that it hadn't healed yet. i was searching through my old entries and realized that i've had this affliction since july 28-- yeah, crazy. it's not oozing pus or anything... it's just still a bit sensitive.



anyways, i don't think i'm ready for the surgery yet. hopefully these antibiotics will do the trick.



anybody have the gift of healing? hook me up!

girl scout cookies were on sale downstairs and i snatched up 6 boxes. the next time they go on sale are in april... so these have to tie me over until then.



i should've bought more.



darn.

i got a new computer at work today... i now have an iMac in addition to my PC (Piece of Crap)-- just kidding, i have no animosity towards windows machines and its users.



i spent the morning dismantling my keyboard and cleaning each key, one by one. i'm really not that anal, but it was pretty disgusting. the crisp, white keyboard had faded to a bodily-fluid-esque yellow. there were particles of food and dried liquids outlining the keys. i also found a dozen or so little, tiny hairs-- which leads me to believe that there are little, tiny creatures that also stress out and pull out their hairs while sitting at my desk.



the conference last weekend was great. i met some cool people... i was so encouraged by the other churches. i haven't slept so little since college, yet it was such a "refreshing" time.

i'm not getting enough sleep. i can't wait 'til this week is over.



i'm making this video for a conference that my church is hosting this weekend. each church will show a video to "introduce" themselves. the problem is that i seem to be heading in a very serious, dark direction, creatively. mostly because as i'm shooting scenes of the city, i'm drawn to the depressing materialism, the homelessness, the loneliness and the rats.



i wonder if this is indicative of some personal issue(s) i have.



anyways. i *heart* sleep. baby, come back to me. i need you. i want you...

i remember having taken a "spiritual gifts assessment" test in high school and college. it was one of those "on a scale of one to five, how true are the following statements for you..." kinds of tests. anyways... i always seemed to accumulate the most points for MUSIC (not super surprising) and CRAFTSMANSHIP.



when i think about it... i really do enjoy making stuff. i was never into models... and my lego collection was always weaker than the other kids'. but i always entered the toothpick-bridge and marshmallow-tower building contests.



my current project: a gig bag for my new djembe. i was up until 3am working on it. i'm about halfway done. i just need to attach the zipper top and the straps for carrying ease... and maybe a pocket or two and some design elements.



future projects: shearling hat, a shaker/tambourine that i can strap to my ankle, a man-purse.

there's been quite a demand for my djembe skills these days. it's weird... for the last year or so, i've only played a handful of times, but just recently i've been invited to play at a wedding (next week), a coffeehouse (2 days ago), 2 morning services (next 2 weeks) and a church conference (2 weeks from now). in addition, there's a real chance that one of my friends might record a demo and she wants me to back her up. i'm seriously considering purchasing a nice one for these upcoming events.



in case you have no idea what i'm talking about. this is a djembe:



(this is actually the model i'm looking to purchase... from a vermont-based company that makes a solid, clean-looking instrument)



it's an african drum, with a deep bass sound and nice clean tones. i definitely need some practice... but i'm excited to improve my skills and perform.



(p.s. it bothers me when people pronounce it "duh-jem-bay" as if you have to pronounce the D and J separately. it's "jem-bay". please remember this around me. thanks.)

i don't think i have seasonal affective disorder-- well, maybe to a mild degree. the weather definitely seems to be affecting me.



or maybe it's not the weather, but the city... or this stage in my life... or a spiritual thing.



it's definitely something my new computer and a bunch of new sneakers can't fix.

Many a time and much have they afflicted me from my youth up, yet they have not prevailed against me. The plowers plowed upon my back; they made long their furrows. The Lord is [uncompromisingly] righteous; He has cut asunder the thick cords by which the wicked [enslaved us].

psalm 129:2-4 (amplified version)

i got my new computer today. it's sooooooo much faster than my old machine.

i've also been trying to teach myself how to skateboard. so let's recap my weekend: setting up my computer and alot of falling.



(and shoe shopping-- shhhh!)

i've been stuffing my face with chocolate truffles all day. healthy, i know. that's what happens when the area in front of my cube has become the unofficial "hey-everybody-eat-these" locale. sometimes it's mrs. field's cookies, sometimes it's fruit, today it's chocolate.



i have a stomach ache already.



anyways, i'm watching kill bill tonight.







what does it mean if the first thing i notice in this picture is uma's really cool asics?

(rhetorical question... i know what all of you are going to say)

school or rock was rockin-- in that cutesy, feel-good kind of way. it makes me wonder why i waited until i was in high school to start playing guitar.



i also went to a picnic on saturday. i didn't partake in the group games: football, basketball and what-not. decided instead to just play tennis. i'm glad i finally got to use the single play tickets i bought earlier this year for ny parks & rec. tennis courts.



there was a moment this weekend where i got that indescribable (at least in a succinct way) "i-want-a-girlfriend" type of feeling. i guess it could be considered loneliness, but that seems to connote depression. i wasn't down about it at all... it was more of a "wouldn't-it-be-nice..." sensibility.



wouldn't it be nice...?

i'm realizing more and more how difficult it is to be a "leader".

in high school, i held various positions in different clubs... president of the future business leaders of america, associated student body secretary, "captain" of the knowledge bowl team. (i was/am a geek. fine!). i'm reluctant to call them positions of "leadership", though. it wasn't leading them... i was organizing them.



i'm not a gifted leader... i don't possess the necessary traits to do it well. i'm not encouraging and supportive in an outward, natural fashion. i'm not influential. i'm not charismatic or charming. i'm not humble. i don't have a clear vision and the drive to implement it. all i have is this desire to serve and this crippling inability to say, "no." that makes me a good follower-- not a leader.



why the heck am i doing it then? why do i endure the stress of trying to please everybody? why do i take the role so seriously... so personally?



all i want to do is worship. why does it have to be so complicated?

what's the earliest you've ever had to come into work?

for me... 7:30am... as in today.



i don't mind so much... i actually even volunteered to come in. am i a masochist or what? alas, i'm the only one here... which is expected as the bulk of the people come into work at around 10. soon the celebrity impersonator will be here, so he and i can head over to the promotion site together.



my job is weird, huh?

sharon stone guest starred on the practice last night. she played an attorney that was fired from her firm because she claimed that God spoke to her directly (she also believed that bald men could access her thoughts). the most notable scene was when she gave her opening statement... she began to point out individuals in the jury by name... saying things like "i was fired from my firm because i believe i hear the voice of God, the same God that you, so-and-so, prayed to every day when your wife had cancer... and you, ms. schmo, believe in-- even though you think she's a man-- which is okay." when the judge and defendant confronted her about this obviously disturbing insight (it's illegal to have personal information about the jurers), demanding her source, she claimed, "from God."



i don't really have a point... i just thought it was interesting.

DK's wedding was nice... and lots of fun. i haven't danced in a while... i need to brush up on my moves or make up new ones. it's not like riding a bike.



after the wedding, i hung out with 2 folks that were flying to l.a. the next day. a foolish mortal that was just in town for the wedding and a hello kitty that's moving back to l.a. permanently. i wonder if/when i'll move to california.



i ordered my g4 today. i hope it doesn't take long to build/ship. i really want that bad boy. i decided against getting the dvd burner... i hope that was a wise choice.



people are making life-changing decisions: getting married, moving across the country... while i'm buying toys and shoes. what am i doing?

it's friday.

no huge plans for the weekend. going to dk's wedding. it should be nice. i hope i'm not the only one going "formal" for this black-tie optional event. but it should be nice whether i'm overdressed or not.



i'm debating whether or not to get a new computer. i have my eyes on the dual processor g4. the g5 is just too inconvenient... it doesn't boot up in os9, the hardware is not backwards compatible (so i can't install my old hard drive, ram and use my pro speakers and iSub)...



i want a new computer but it isn't exactly a necessity. my g3 is definitely dated. i've had that baby for 5 years. that's ancient in computer years. the flipside is that it costs money (really, it does!). i do get a nice discount with apple through my company though.... which is a rare thing.



to buy or not to buy... that's the question.

i went paint-balling for the first time saturday. it was fun, but i got in trouble. the ref was giving me attitude and i gave him some attitude back. the violent nature of the game was making me confrontational and short-tempered. scary. anyways, i was ejected from the game and instructed to not return for the rest of the evening. i just changed shirts and snuck in; he couldn't tell us apart.



it wasn't as painful as i thought it'd be. granted, i wasn't shot point-blank, "bunkered", as they call it. i came away with a small bruise on my back and on my thigh. both have healed already, so... i'm fine.



it was a good workout, the most i've sweat in a looong time.

pleasant images/scents for a fine wednesday.



ps. don't forget to click (also on the right menu bar).

i watched 2 great movies this weekend.



lost in translation is definitely the best movie i've seen this year. i'm sure you've already heard about it. believe the hype. i've got not much else to say.





photo: rottentomatoes.com



i caught about 15 minutes of pumpkin while channel surfing the other day. it's a good thing sundance replays their material around 3 or 4 times. i looked up the next showtime (that didn't conflict with my regular tapings) and programmed my vcr.





photo: mgm.com/ua



pumpkin is a dark comedy about the "impossible" relationship between a very blond valley-girl (christina ricci) and the mentally/physically challenged "pumpkin" (hank harris) she has to coach to make her sorority look good. alot of the reviews say that the movie "tries too hard", but-- for whatever reason-- i seemed to get it. anyways, i bought the dvd (it was only $9). so if you wanna borrow it, let me know.



next on my list: school of rock.

it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...



how true is this? have any of you really, truly loved someone? and then got crushed? was it worth it?



i guard my heart so closely. i stand behind the door, peering out the peep-hole... so reluctant to unbolt, slide the chain across and turn the knob for anyone.



i've never been in love... never been in a serious (or even not-so-serious) relationship. but i know-- i just do-- that if i get involved with someone that i'd dive right in... head first... and if someone were to get hurt, it'd be me. why? because i'm naive. i'm idealistic. i'll romanticize the love. i'll try too hard. i'll get greedy. i'll hate myself for it. i'll make mistakes and i'll get rejected and i'll hurt.



OR

maybe i'll die a lonely death in a lonely apartment in a lonely city. all alone and unloved.



OR

maybe it'll all click and fall into place and i'm worrying for nothing. but i doubt it.

so i'm playing this computer game online... do my a huge favor and click this once a day. it'll tell you to click the digit that corresponds to the word shown. do that. then you can close the window or "join the war!" if you're into these strategy battle games...



basically, i get a soldier each time someone hits that link and right now i have an army of 4 humans. so click away! (well, only once per computer per day... that's the max).



thanks.

well, that wasn't much of a hurricane. what a bunch of media hyperbole. one of my co-workers said that he was watching a news report from a "stormy" beach. he was holding his hat and warning viewers of the dangerous conditions... meanwhile, easily a couple dozen beach-goers were calmly walking behind the reporter making faces and saying hi to their moms. on a related note, a friend of mine was telling me about one of her co-workers who believes that 90% of all american media is accurate and trust-worthy. as opposed to say, south korea, which is "probably only 40% true".



again, i don't want to get all political here. it just bothers me that people so easily buy into the sensationalism. it's the same thing with pop music and hollywood actors. "j-lo this" and "ben that"... all that "bennifer" garbage. i mean, seriously, aside from the obvious publicity stunt that these two just pulled, why would people even care enough to take the attention away from doing something more productive... like picking one's ear.



i know why... it's because people don't want to feel left out at the watercooler. it's all about being able to carry a conversation on pure small talk. everyone's just reaching to be acknowledged and a part of the accepted crowd. blind conformity for popularity's sake. grown-up life is just like jr. high school.

apparently there's some kind of hurricane headed my way.

i've never been in a hurricane... how exciting.

i wonder if work will be cancelled, like during the blackout.

go to your tv, turn it to mtv and sit there until you see johnny cash's cover of NIN's hurt. what a great video.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away, but I remember everything



what have I become, my sweetest friend?

everyone I know goes away in the end

you could have it all, my empire of dirt

I will let you down. I will make you hurt



I wear this crown of thorns on my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts I cannot repair

beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears

you are someone else; I am still right here



what have I become, my sweetest friend?

everyone I know goes away in the end

you could have it all, my empire of dirt

I will let you down. I will make you hurt



if I could start again a million miles away

I would keep myself.

I would find a way.



- trent reznor (slightly modified by johnny cash)

and another thing...



gross, i know. 2kg = 4.5 pounds. i know girls who work out with weights lighter than that.



(a relevant news slice)

it's 9/11.

i considered writing something "political"-- it'd actually be more of a social commentary-- but it's not something i feel that strongly about... so i'd rather talk about shoes.



just kidding.



i'm going to see the neptunes, o.a.r, talib kweli and slightly stoopid on saturday. i also read that kelis and spymob are also supposed to perform, but i don't see their names on the posters. i'm not a huge fan of any of them, but it'd be a good show, i think.



if i think about it, i'm pretty happy these days. nothing is really bogging me down. or maybe i'm just not letting myself dig deep enough. does that make me shallow?

okay... when you're voting, please consider the following:

1. job opportunities that match my interests

2. a good "fit" for my personality

3. most fruitful place for me to grow

4. potential to meet Mrs. Roboto (haha... just thought i'd throw that in there)



don't just vote for the place closest to (or farthest from) you!

just want to know what you guys think -------------------------->

my face is so dry.

i'd considered applying sunblock on saturday, but the idea was thwarted by my complete lack of anything with an SPF higher than 1. so i got burned at the u.s. open and now my face is so dry, it hurts. do they make perscription strength lotion? my face just sucks up that weak over-the-counter garbage.



i'm falling apart. my face is dry, my arms are burnt, my legs are all eczema-ed out, my in-grown toenail refuses to heal... i'd like to think that God's Job-ing me... maybe i'm just not being high maintenance enough... i have to start moisturizing daily and using all the good (read: expensive) product. how did cavemen survive? they must've had some serious skin cancer issues.

every once in a while, i take a myers-briggs personality test to see if i've changed. (i have a fear that new york is going to irrevocably transform me into some freak). i remember having taken it at the end of my senior year in high school, taking it again a few months later as a freshman in college and realizing that my personality had changed 100%. towards the end of that year, i settled back into my real persona...



INTJ (a/k/a a "Matermind")



in case you're trying to find a free online M-B test, this is the only one i could find. i just took it and, yup, i'm still an INTJ.





2 posts in one day... i must be bored.

TGIF, for real!

it was only a four-day work week, but it seemed so much longer.



i go to the us open tomorrow. it's my first live, pro tennis match ever. i hope agassi makes the semis... my man, srichaphan is already out.



i'm sleepy.

back in new york. i miss california already. it's not humid here anymore... just rainy.



what did i do in l.a.?

ate: carne asada burritos from molcasalsa, in-n-out, fish tacos from el pescador, patbingsu from boba station (we went here every day, literally), enchilada/tacos from cafe el cholo, bbq spare ribs from thai bbq; cheeseburger/strawberry shake at ruby's

watched: battle royale (4 robo-thumbs up, would get more if i understood it), s.w.a.t. (3 robo-thumbs up), 40 days and 40 nights (all thumbs and toes point down for this garbage); rounders (6 robo-thumbs up); hero (4 robo-thumbs and a big toe up for this one)

chilled at: yong's wedding, huntington beach, laguna beach (1000 steps), downtown disney, peter's joint

played: a round of golf at green river; texas hold 'em at commerce

this is the day (this is the day)

that the Lord has made (that the Lord has made)

i will rejoice (i will rejoice)

and be glad in it (and be glad in it)

i'm tempted to skip lunch and eat as little airplane food as possible (i gotta eat some of it... it's free!) just so that carne asada burrito tastes that much better when i chomp down on it. i have to keep my mouth closed so the drool doesn't ooze out of my mouth and slip between that crack between the G and H keys.



i once needed a good 8-10 hours of sleep each night. being the procrastinator i am, i started packing at around 1:30am and hit the sack an hour later. but here i am... up by 8:10, in the office by 9 and able to keep my head it an upright and locked position at 10:30. we'll see how long it lasts. i wonder if i can take a power nap while at my desk with my eyes open.

argggggg. i hate it when i type out a long post and then lose it when i click "post".



okay. so basically, i was saying that i love riddles and brain-teasers and i was asking really nicely for you to give me your best/hardest ones.



i'll give you a tough one to keep you busy, if you have obsessive tendancies, don't attempt this brain teaser, it's pretty hard:

dr. evil searched through time and space to assemble the 100 smartest people of all time. he threw either a black or white hat on each genius and locked them in a large, bare room. each person is unable to see the color of his/her own hat, but can clearly see everyone else's hat color. dr. evil then states, "if you can figure out what color hat you yourself are wearing, i'll release you back into the world. you are not allowed to communicate in any way, shape or form (no words, no body language, no suggestive eye contact, nothing.). i will enter this room everyday, one time, and ask if anyone has figured it out. if no one speaks up, i will leave and return the following day. if you guess incorrectly, you will die a horrible death. have a nice day. oh, and there's at least one person with a black hat and at least one person with a white hat. goodbye."



each prisoner wants oh-so-bad to live and since they're really really really smart, they won't answer unless they're absolutely sure they have the correct response. how do these geniuses solve this problem?

there're no tricks here. no mirrors, no play-on-words... just pure logic. it's hard. even the answer is difficult to explain.



don't forget to give me your best puzzles.

2 days...

and i'll be chillin' in the warm california sun.



sigh. it's calling me.



i had the hugest, cheapest breakfast sandwich ever. 3 egg whites, 3 sausage links and a handful of cheddar on a bagel. and only for a buck seventy. okay, so it's not THAT big, but still... i had a tough time eating that sucker.



california here i come, right back where i started from... california dreamin'... i wish they call could be california girls...

it's calling me.

work's a bit slow, so i took a couple quizes:





Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?



Dartmouth

Does anybody even go to Dartmouth anymore? They must have people applying -- it's still sort of hard to get into -- but nobody has ever met any of these people. They're just swallowed up in the Vermont countryside, where they dissapear into a world of dead poets, lager, and argyle vests.


brought to you by Quizilla



(i actually scored Yale first, but i'm loyal to my alma mater... i knew which answers they were looking for)





Which Puma shoe are YOU?



The Frankenclyde. Honestly, you're the coolest hipster of all. The drum sneaker with mystique. Like Russel Hammond in "Almost Famous." But you already knew that! You recognized that allusion! Thats how f***ing cool you are! You know how cool it is to say "bomb-diggity" and "supah cool." You push coolness to the edge, and you never fall off. Essentially, you're me, and I like that in you.


brought to you by Quizilla



i don't have any clydes... maybe i should go get a pair now.



i think i broke quizilla. it won't give me any more results. i really wanted to know which book of the bible i was!



maybe tomorrow.

we had a health/wellness fair at work today. it was very informative and relaxing.



- my blood pressure is in the "normal" range... a little on the low side, but normal.

- my infected in-grown toe nail was looked at. it's definitely infected. i just gotta keep it clean and let it heal... i learned that my insurance would cover the (minor) surgery required to get it removed permanently.

- my body fat percentage is in the "ideal" range-- i was scared of that test.

- my biodot (one of those mood-ring-esque stickers) indicated that i'm somewhere between "relaxing" and "involved" in my stress level.



i also got a nice little 5-10 minute massage.



i love massages. is it wrong of me to want a girlfriend only for the occasional rub-downs? keep you minds out of the gutter... we'd be fully clothed!

i saw xtina and justin last night in long island. the show was entertaining, i suppose. personally, i'm not really into fireworks, costume changes and about a million screaming teenaged girls (well, maybe if they were a bit older...). i'm not complaining though. free tickets are free tickets. i was hoping the black eyed peas would open though. no luck there.



i think i've said it before and i'll say it again: pop music these days sucks. where's the passion? i mean, you're dirrrrrty, i got it. and, yes, you want to rock my body... okay. fine. so what? music is more than tapping your foot and bobbing your head, no? meanwhile, i'm listening to the dashboard confessional's "this bitter pill".



okay, so maybe i'm a music snob. or maybe i just like my music to move more than just my toes.

i thought life without the internet was tough... A/C, refridgeration and running water are pretty difficult to live without too.



in case you're wondering, i'm safe and sound in my jersey city apartment. electricy is restored here... the only thing i'm without is cable service.



my office is closed today (i think). i don't think times square is high on the priority list for power restoration-- those lights are a pretty big waste of juice, in my opinion.



okay. i'm alive. you're alive. thank God for everything.

the worm virus sucks. my IT dept. sucks. PCs suck.



in other news, happy birthday, bomie. remember: don't resist the birthday hug monkey.



i hope this post actually publishes... this would be my 20th attempt to post. why? because the worm virus sucks, my IT dept sucks and PCs suck.

sometimes i wonder if i really am a shopoholic. i don't spend ridiculous amounts of money on prada/gucci gear. i'm not a gadget freak. i don't fix up my ride-- (which happens to be the subway)...



i think it's more about the bargains and about cost efficiency: the cost of movies in manhattan is expensive. instead of seeing something in the theater, i'll just buy the dvd (after hours of researching for the best price, of course). besides, alot of the films (that's right, they're "films") i buy, i buy for other people to borrow and appreciate. i like to share the joy.



and, yes, i'll admit that--for a guy-- i have alot of shoes, but i'm sure that most of them, i bought for more than 50% off. so i can justify having twice as many kicks by knowing that the sum cost of all my shoes is still probably less than the sum of their ugly collection.



here's a peek of my recent purchases:





a little monk dvd





ymca baseball team dvd





nike tennis classic (for 22 bucks)

sometimes when i pray, i get depressed. it's not an overwhelming, bawl-your-eyes-out kind of depression. nor is it a deep and numbing emptiness. it's more of just a realization of my insufficiency, hypocrisy and plain messed-up-ness. i'm hard on myself, i know. you need only play tennis with me to see that i expect much from myself. but i can't help it. i see where i am; i see where i think i should be; i see the huge discrepancy; i get depressed.



it's a tag-team, caged deathmatch. pride and senseless guilt battling Grace and genuine humility. i know who'll win... but the process is long and painful-- suplexes, folding chairs and all.

Outside these city walls, alone with what I've known

Like a criminal who sly-thieves joy from his own home



Some just line says I should die by fire, so I'm cutting up the kindling

And the kerosene I cry



Take these suicidal stones from my hand

Suicidal Stones from my hand

Suicidal Stones from my hand



Caught in the actor on regret's stage

Soliloquy without sympathy is my penance paid



Built on quicksand too low to see the ground

Sniveling in a Job-en cry as I look down



Take these suicidal stones from my hand

Suicidal Stones from my hand

Suicidal Stones from my hand



-- from "Suicidal Stones" by Caedmon's Call

it's too difficult to "eat healthy": it's not appetizing, it's expensive and/or it's inconvenient.



i don't want to be one of those guys that wears their t-shirt into the water. but the jamaican beef patties and grilled cheese sandwiches are too good to pass up.



why do deep-fried things taste so delicious? i never understood that.

am i a metrosexual? you tell me.



for the left brains, a more scientific analysis.

i'm sore, sleepy and my big toe hurts. "why?" you ask. (or perhaps you don't ask "why?" but i have the soap box to tell you anyways)...



sore: picked up heavy objects and put them in a truck. then picked them up off the truck and put them down again.

sleepy: opened the heavy stuff and took out all the smaller stuff, put things together and moved it around my room (a very time-consuming task).

big toe pain: (unrelated to the above) i over-clipped my in-grown toe nail and it got infected... so now it's swollen and constantly dribbling out blood and puss.



that reminds me of a funny story. i promised not to tell anyone... but it involves an IM conversation with a very descriptive writer and a homograph (fyi, two words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and, sometimes, pronunciations).



i'll give you a hint and you can use your imagination:

what's the adjective form of the noun "puss"?

the guidance stipe [of r.e.m.] provided yorke [of radiohead] at the height of radiohead's fame almost certainly kept the band from breaking up. to hear stipe explain it, their interaction was almost academic-- he talks about the complexity of "dealing with words" and how all performers "are missing something in their dna" and that it's almost impossible for artists to balance their inherent insecurity with the ego required to display oneself in public.

-- from a SPIN magazine article by chuck klosterman

i just thought this was interesting. i especially found the last part insightful... balancing inherent insecurity with ego. to me it seems much less of a balancing act than it is a process of trying to completely obliterate the latter-- at least when it comes to leading worship.



i dunno... too many thoughts going on in my head. i don't know what i'm saying.

in case you couldn't tell by my previous post, i'm moving this weekend.



starting next week, i'll be a citizen of new jersey... the armpit of america. i know all you west-coasters are jealous.



at least i'll have a doorman, my own room and a neighborhood that doesn't surprise you with random odors. actually, sunnyside's not that bad.



i'm starving. i should get in the habit of eating breakfast.

summer's here. you're going to want to hit the beach... but are you afraid of stripping down to your swimsuit?



i can help you out.



come by my apartment this saturday and i'll design a workout to suit your needs. it's a cutting-edge and unique one-day program that will burn some fat off your body and take you one step closer to that baywatch audition.



the program includes a cardiovascular weight-lifting regiment in which you speed-walk while carrying different household objects and furniture. the varying sizes and weights of the objects allows you to work multiple combinations of your muscles for a balanced-build look.



only i can offer you this amazing workout with even more amazing results. all for the low low introductory offer of $100 per session.



email me for details.

price is negotiable.

heck, i might even bribe you with food to try this incredible program.



act now!

i'm in a good mood today.

don't know why, but who needs a reason, right?

i found the "snack closet" on my floor and just scarfed down a bag of chips ahoy!s and baked lays (gotta try to eat healthy) washed it all down with diet pepsi. i gotta put some real food in my stomach soon.



that is all. i want to try to get in the habit of writing everyday again.



good afternoon, everyone.

i've been laughing outloud all day at work.

no one has caught me yet... (seems like it's a busy day for everyone but me).



the source of my questionably-insane giggling?



http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

went to the beach on saturday. it was nice to be out in the sun.

still pensive.

still don't know why.

someone prophesied about me on friday.

i'm not sure how to take it.

i mean, it was encouraging, but also puts pressure on me. i'm all about shunning responsibility right now.

my pensitivity is back.

not sure why.

not sure what to do.

not sure if there is anything that can be done.

but to hope...

I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

- psalm 40:1-3

today.

i'm only one day older than yesterday.

one day more "mature", one day "wiser".

cradling in my arms these 24-hour blocks like a miser.

snatching them up as quickly as they appear before me.

so consumed with this game

that i neglect to see it's all in vain,

as these chunks of time melt through the crack

between my forearm and stomach and drip away

leaving only another yellow memory on my frayed and hole-y t-shirt.



yet today.

today i look up.

and take notice of the ones standing by me.

i take notice of you.

my partners in time.

i let my grip loosen and release the things i couldn't yesterday.

so with both hands i dance with you and cry with you and sing with you.

my partners in time.

today i celebrate you.

i'm on the hunt for a new apartment... anyone out there got any inside tips on a huge, cheap, close-to-the-city penthouse? sunnyside is pretty convenient, but i wouldn't mind having my own room or living in a new/clean place. *sigh*... we'll see what the plan is in a couple weeks.



the rain in new york has finally stopped... and has been replaced with the thickest humidity ever. thank God for air conditioners and ice cream.

guess what? i got that job in the music industry. i start on the 30th. God is good.



cold stone opens in times square on thursday. yum yum. God is good.



leading praise (team) gets harder and harder. God is good.

no me gusta mi trabajo. i'm praying for a new job. specifically one in the music industry...



sometime in high school, i remember having to drive down to l.a. by myself. i don't recall the reason, maybe i was just bored. the car radio was broken and a 20-hour drive without music is the pits, so i made sure to bring my boombox and plenty of C-batteries. i had one tape... a bunch of michael w. smith songs. i did alot of singing that trip.

there are millions down on their knees

among the many, can you still hear me?

hear me asking, "where do i belong?"

is there a vision that i can call my own?

show me...

i'm looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world

my place in this world

there's not alot to lean on, i need your light to help me find my place in this world

my place in this world

matrix: reloaded... RENTAL.

if you're able to resist the hype just rent it before part 3 comes out. i don't want to go into detail now... you can always ask me in person for a in-depth review.



i'm taking the day off tomorrow to take a trek up to dartmouth for the weekend. i'm excited to just get away from the city for a few days. maybe the fresh, green grass, rolling hills and abundance of trees will give some life to this robot.



...and let's hope my allergies don't get the best of me.

my stomach hurts...

those microwave popcorn bags are not meant for one person.

i guess romantic comedies aren't meant for one person either... sigh



puahhahaha... don't feel sorry for me. i'm secure!



i have a new favorite tv show.... surf girls.



okay... so maybe my life is sad! hahah. (i'm still secure!)

read this a couple times:

Monologue for an Onion

by Sue Kwock Kim



I don't mean to make you cry.

I mean nothing, but this has not kept you

From peeling away my body, layer by layer,



The tears clouding your eyes as the table fills

With husks, cut flesh, all the debris of pursuit.

Poor deluded human: you seek my heart.



Hunt all you want. Beneath each skin of mine

Lies another skin: I am pure onion-- pure union

Of outside and in, surface and secret core.



Look at you, cutting and weeping. Idiot.

Is this the way you go through life, your mind

A stopless knife, driven by your fantasy of truth,



Of lasting union-- slashing away skin after skin

From things, ruin and tears your only signs

Of progress? Enough is enough.



You must not grieve that the world is glimpsed

Through veils. How else can it be seen?

How will you rip away the veil of the eye, the veil



That you are, you who want to grasp the heart

Of things, who want to know where meaning

Lies. Taste what you hold in your hands: onion juice,



Yellow peels, my stinging shreds. You are the one

In pieces. Whatever you meant to love, in meaning to

You changed yourself: you are not who you are,



Your soul cut moment to moment by a blade

Of fresh desire, the soil strewn with abandoned skins.

And at your inmost circle, what? A core that is



Not one. Poor fool, you are divided at the heart,

Lost in its maze of chambers, blood, and love,

A heart that will one day beat you to death.

give me an undivided heart, that i may fear Your name.

give me an undivided heart, no other gods, no other love, no other gods before You...

i'm super self-conscious right now. let me explain:



i have band practice on tuesday nights. ji's brother is a professional sound engineer and for some reason wanted to record our practice session today. i thought it'd be helpful for us to hear ourselves and realize how busy/jumbled our music sounds. so i agreed. we play a few songs and during a break, decide to hear some of the tracks we laid...



2, 3, 4... guitar starts... drums and bass come in... piano and electric weaving through the beats (so far, so good)... and then........ the most nasal-y, bottom-heavy, annoyingly flat voice i've ever heard...



after the initial shock, denial starts to kick in.



this can't be me? is it the EQ? is it the mixer? back-up vocals sound fine though... great, in fact...



embarassment... shame... and then a completely demolished self-esteem. i hate my voice.



sigh. how will i ever sing in public again?

back by popular demand!

the short-haired model of the roboto action figure is now availible.



uncle jesse did it, now it's roboto's turn. yes, i chopped off the flowing locks. my inner fabio is now only an inside thing. the mullet has left the building. i don't know why so many of my friends hated my longish hair. i mean, i agree that i look better with short hair. it's cleaner, more "slimming" and i don't look like i just jumped out of that 70's show. but i sorta liked that unique look i had. almost like those "think different" mac ads from a couple years ago: roboto: look/feel/be different.. eh, whatever. it's just hair, right?



(by the way, i was kidding about that whole fabio thing... just thought i'd point that out)

i try too hard to write the words that only my soul can say,

seeking inspiration from sweat instead of tears,

and reaching for a pen that bleeds instead of a hand that heals.



my body says, "tomorrow." my mind too easily echoes,

but with patient sighs i wait,

with folded hands i listen,

and with all the gratitude i can muster, you mute my screaming insides.



speak, lord, for your servant is listening.

my song-writing self-discipline starts today. Lord, help me (seriously).

i don't have a foot fetish. (you're already thinking, "ewww, roboto has a foot fetish!"). but i don't.

i just think you can tell alot about a person (mainly girls) by their feet. you can tell how clean/hygenic they are... how high- (or low-) maintenance they are... how hairy they are (just kidding... sort of). most of the new york feet i've seen have been on the dry side... it's nothing a little pumice-work and lotion can't fix. am i being shallow? girls have similar litmus tests for guys. i've heard that the best way for a girl to see what a guy's really like is to see him play a competetive sport. it's not really about the skills... you just pay attention to how he handles himself, what kind of temper he has, how he interacts with teammates... with opposing players.



i always told myself i want someone low-maintenance, but maybe i need someone "medium-maintenance"... someone who takes care of herself, but doesn't overdo it:

callouses, bunyons & toe jam = low maintenance


clipped nails & soft heel = medium maintenance


french pedicure, toe ring, anklet & tatoo = too much

i think i need to leave new york. i'm aging too fast, complaining too much, loving too little. i don't blame the city. "it's not you, it's me..." it just doesn't feel right, for some reason.



moving will be tough though. besides physically transporting my possesions, i'll have to readjust to west-coast life. i'll probably have to change vocations, buy a car, find a church... get used to saying "hi... justin... nice to meet you... yeah, i just moved from new york... blah blah blah".



to be honest, i like being the outsider. the semi-mysterious new guy. maybe it's because i moved around alot when i was young... i guess i'm just used to it. i'm not an adventurer... just easily bored... comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

my parents flew in yesterday. unfortunately the weather was frigid, wet and windy. but guess who still went walking all over this big city of ours...



for some reason, i was utterly exhausted all day today. i must've yawned at least 30 times today. my parents want to watch tv and sleep in the living room today, so i get my bed back for a night. i hope to get some quality sleep tonight.



it's good to see and hang out with my parents. they're still really good at annoying me, but i've been doing a pretty good job of not letting it get to me. they're making me a really good offer: if i go to law school, they'll support any travel and fun i have until i matriculate. it's tempting... i mean, i can hang out in l.a. for a bit... go to korea... maybe stop by japan and hong kong... back-pack through europe... all i have to do is take a test, write an essay and give up any hopes of following my dreams... haha. i actually don't think being a lawyer will be that bad... but i still have alot of praying to do.

i have a lot of junk. most of my friends know i have alot of clothes. yesterday one of my co-workers asked me how many pairs of shoes i had. i just counted: 25 (including slippers, shoes i haven't worn in years, etc). i admit that i buy alot of stuff, but it really doesn't help that i never get rid of the stuff i don't use.



it takes me forever to clean my one-bedroom apartment. i don't think it's even considered cleaning when all i'm doing is sorting all the junk that piles up on my desk/bed/floor... into it's assigned section of the corner/closet/drawer.



anyways. while walking home last night, guess what i found on the sidewalk (where new yorkers dump their garbage). a spiffy little bowling bag... and inside?... a thousand dollars! just kidding. a bowling ball. it fits my fingers perfectly and aside from being a bit heavier than what i'm used to-- and the fact that "Serge" is engraved on the ball-- it's my new 12- (or 14-) pound baby!



i don't know if serge and i will go out and play anytime soon. he's a little too heavy to carry around, but we'll see. in the meantime, i have to find a cozy, vacant corner in which to store him.

how many people out there are really happy?

it seems like everyone i talk to is going through some quarter-life crisis or something.



it's starting to warm up here in the city. spring is almost here. i'm not looking forward to losing an hour of sleep on sunday, but i can't wait til i can go out in just a t-shirt (and pants of course).



i wish i had a car, so i can go cruisin' with the windows rolled down and the stereo drowning out all that responsible-talk that goes on in my head.

yeah, i'm freeeeeeee, free faaaalling....

so i'm seriously considering law school again.

i realize that i need to live a more comfortable life... i honestly need to make more money than i do. and right now in my life, i just don't feel like working. i hope 3 more years of school will be enough time for me to grow up and admit my responsibility. we'll see.



i'm in the process of trying to reduce my extra-curricular activities. my guitar lessons will end soon, so i'll have one more free night a week. i borrowed an RPG (role-playing game) from a brother a church. it's a good way for me to relax, but it sure makes me stay up later than i want. i'm too nocturnal for regular society.



my parents are visiting me next week. i need to figure out how to entertain them... i'm such a bad host. what are some good non-touristy things we can do?



i wanna go home and play my video game.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

i'm here but without much to say.



i wish i could shove the weight off of my chest and out through the slapping of my fingers on these keys... without having to figure out how to translate these feelings into english... but:



afjklsdafsdljk;awfe;ojiewfojipljk;asfdafsdjkl; jlk;fgew ljkfsdalkjsdfajlk;afl;ajk sf



as you can see, it doesn't work.



it's past 1. why do today what you can put off til tomorrow?

sometimes i feel like a don't have a partner,

sometimes i feel like my only friend,

is the city i live in "the city of angels"?

lonely as i am, together we cry...

-"under the bridge", red hot chili peppers

people don't know me. hell, i don't even know myself. maybe i'm naive/immature for wanting a partner in crime. i'm not lonely, just unmotivated. i'm not depressed, just bored.

to sell out or not to sell out... that is the question

whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. to die, to sleep... blah blah blah... i remember the strangest things.



i'm so poor right now. and i'm tempted to go find some high-paying yet thoroughly unfulfilling, soul-shrivelling job. did i make some sort of wrong decision in my life? should i have tried to actually study when i was pre-med? should i have gone to that state school and found my niche there? i'm usually not one to regret, but poverty unleashes the crazy voices in la cabeza.



whine whine whine... someone slap me... but not too hard, i bleed easily.

if you want to understand me a little bit better, read this (i pulled this from some foolish mortal's blog).



you might not think i'm an introvert... maybe because i can (usually) carry a decent conversation or because i can stand in front of people and look like i'm singing my heart out. but look closely... (well, read the article first... then look again).



my out-going, milk-chocolate shell is thin. crack it open and you'll find a nice, little, pensive robot encapsulated in a plastic case. some assembly may be required.

i'm still alive-- but only in the literal sense of the word.

my lungs are breathing... and my heart is still pumping enough blood through my body.



i don't think i've been happy these last couple weeks. i'm not sure if i have enough energy to be happy. i'm doing my best not to "sell-out". but i'm struggling to keep my finances in check. arg. i don't like the amount of whining i've been doing lately either.



*sigh*

Now when the boxes go I keep mine

You should peep mine

Once or twice but never 3 times

I'm just a sneaker pro

I love Pumas and shell-toes

But can't nothing compare to a fresh, cripsy white pair of...



I said give me two pairs

I need two pairs

So I can get to stomping in my Air Force Ones

Big Boys stomping in my Air Force Ones

-nelly

i just got my AF1s in the mail yesterday (yes, on sunday... i didn't know mailmen worked on sundays either). mine are the limited-edition, only-in-asia, year-of-the-horse, all-white, patent leather AF1s. the only problem is that they're too big. i wear 9.5/10US. these are 10.5s. but i still like my new kicks.



there's no room in my budget for any more sneakers, so i gotta enjoy these bad boys.

woke up at 4:30 this morning, grabbed my gear and went snowboarding. i'm growing to love this sport ("activity"? "hobby"?) more and more. conditions were decent. there was some good powder. although, visibility was bad (very foggy throughout the day). i'm determined to learn the half-pipe, but it'll have to wait til next year... when (if?) i have health insurance and can afford a helmet.



i'm too tired to think and write more. i'm like this alot these days. the source can't be work, it must be something deeper, but i don't have the energy to conduct a thorough investigation. i hope i don't get too worn out tomorrow. 11.30 service, praise and open mic are gonna be alot to handle. we shall see.

i'm pushing it... pushing my consciousness to its limit. holding out 'til only the pulp remains. keeping my eyes open hurts, but closing them hurts too.



i will wait. i try hard to wait patiently. i try...



maybe the morning's dew will quench my hardened eyes and straighten my staggered steps.

eating breakfast makes my stomach hurt, makes me wanna poo poo, but it's supposed to be healthier, right? give me more energy in the morning? i definitely need to start shaping up and d-d-definitely need more energy in the morning. it's always a struggle to wake up these days.



i need energy during the evenings too. i'm too tired to do anything but watch tv and eat.



it's only thursday.

sweet sweet saturday, i miss you. please come home soon. please come and never leave. that i would rest my heavy head on your lap. and know that you'd stay with me forever...

ain't no sunshine when she's gone

it ain't warm when she's away

ain't no sunshine when she's gone

and she's always gone too long

anytime she goes away...

We were chillin at the park

Just waiting for the sun to go down

It was me Shylo and the homies

A Lighter Shade of Brown... on a Sunday afternoon

i wish...

i came into work today. there isn't much for me to do... just to make sure the sewers ("people who sew" not "where you poo poo goes") have everything they need.



this is the longest i've been on the internet while i've been working here. i've seriously had very little "down-time" at this job. hopefully, things'll slow down once the spring/summer clothes are in the stores and before the fall/winter line consumes my (work) life.



i spent friday night and all day saturday with some tacoma friends. we caught a broadway show (the producers) walked around alot and stuffed our faces with new york's finest sullungtang (from gam mee oak), soup dumplings (joe's shanghai), bubble tea (ten ren), pasta (patsy's-- maybe not the "best", but still good) and sundaes (serendipity 3). i've officially started my diet. i haven't yet set the parameters of this "diet", but i def. need to lose some poundage. i'm all handles and no love.

i'm sitting back in my chair and getting that deep-breathing (sighing) / tingling-in-my-nose-when-i-inhale sensation... when i exhale my eyes get watery. it's like i'm hyper-sensitive... on the verge of breaking down and bawling... about what? i have no idea. there's nothing in my mind or heart to push the tears over my lower lids.



i kinda want to just bust out... get all weepy and have to rub my nose across my forearm, smearing the salty snot on my bare skin. i want to interrupt these deep sighs with that spastic jerk-breathing i used to get in elementary school. i want to emit a faint falsetto wimper and slowly crank the volume until i'm wailing from my gut.



there is nothing though... just the whirring of my g3 processor and the consistent sound of air quickly passing through my nostrils. maybe tomorrow.



jeremiah tomorrow.

roboto today.

for a guy that's lactose intolerant, i sure do eat/drink alot of dairy products. tonight's dinner consisted of two bowls of cereal and one of ice cream. i'm about to sleep soon, so i won't be conscious for the side effects. i'm sure my roommate will let me know if he's up all night because of the fumes.



clone high usa just premiered on mtv. i've been anticipating the show since my old animation professor wrote about it in his periodic newsletter. about six months ago, he just started sending out mass-mailings to all of his old students, updating us all on what we've been up to since we graduated. a handful of his more passionate animators have continued to produce work-- as evidenced by clone high, conceived and directed by two '97 alums. others are doing other "creative" things, while a huge chunk of students seem to have gone to law school. will i join that group? we'll see in a few months.



anyways, clone high was good... i'm not a huge fan of that thick-outlined style of animation (think powerpuff girls, dexter's lab., and samurai jack), but the dialogue is smart and funny. i really like the premise: a secret government agency clones a bunch of historic figures (abe lincoln, joan of arc, gandhi, genghis khan, etc.) and they're all the same age and attending high school together.



anyways, catch it if you can. mtv. mondays at 10:30pm. check tvguide.com for all the reruns.

it's soo soo cold outside. so painfully cold. only one part of my body was sufficiently shielded from the pangs of the angry wind: my sternum-- only because it was protected by my t-shirt, button-down, sweater, coat and scarf. i need to find 5 layers for every part of my body... even my eyeballs.



i need to do laundry. i've been wearing dress socks every day this week. i hate it when, at the end of the day, i have ridges sculpted into my lower-calf. i can't wait to have clean, below-the-ankle athletic socks. maybe monday night i'll have some time to do a couple loads.

there's been alot of award shows on tv these days and a bunch more airing these next couple weeks... i guess it's the season... the AMA's, grammy's, the golden globes, the people's choice awards, blah blah blah. i used to enjoy sitting through the shows, rooting for my favorite movies/musicians/shows/videos/celebs and looking at the cool-- and not so cool-- clothes everyone comes decked out in. but now...i can't sit through the boring performances and even boring-er speeches. and most of the time, i don't agree with the winners. so i'm gonna make my own awards....



no commercials, no long speeches, no gaudy stages with gaudy people in gaudy gowns... just pure roboto opinion.



i'll announce the categories first and then think about nominations (feel free to throw in your 2 cents, but the final decision will be all mine!) and maybe sometime next week, i'll be handing out some (imaginary) paper-clip statuettes.



here're the categories:



- most thought-provoking, life-changing film of the year

- i-wish-i-woulda-wrote-that song of the year

- if only i had tivo award

- proud to call myself a geek award



i'm too tired to think of more categories... i'll just skip to the winners next week.

haha... (like you guys care). i'm glad it's almost friday. i just need to close my eyes and i'll be there.

i don't have a headache... i don't have a fever... i don't feel abnormally weak or tired... so i'm not sick, right?



then why the heck do i wake up with such a dry, phlegmy throat? and why do i sound so nasally when i sing? and i can't seem to hit the notes i used to be able to belt out just a couple weeks ago. am i going through puberty again?



i think i need to cancel my cable service. now that i'm working again, i'm too easily acquiescing to its hypnosis and seductions. "unwinding" is slipping into the realm of "zombie-ing". i must stop before my flabby ass starts getting lost in the seat cushions.

i've been neglecting my blog a little bit...

i need some time to readjust to a working man's schedule.



anyways... star trek.



[personal log, stardate 11403]

when i was home in tacoma for the holidays, i went on a church retreat with the college/young-adult group. the guest speaker was pastor seung-chan rah from boston. he spoke about community. specifically: building a community in our post-modern era and in the context of asian american churches. he gave a great analogy of post-modernism as represented in star trek. here's the part that i can relate to the best:



the original star trek (the one with captain kirk and "beam me up, scotty") manifests alot of the ideals of modernism, where TNG (the next generation, with the bald picard and an on-board psychiatrist, dianna troy) displays post-modern themes. let's focus on just one character from each series. from the original, the most intriguing character is Mr. Spock (an inter-species half-vulcan/half-human). throughout the span of his character development, spock's vulcan half is constantly trying to supress his "emotional" and "illogical" human side. to him-- as well as my parents and alot of their generation-- things are black and white... issues can be reasoned out... logic rules and emotions just get in the way. (on a personal note, i grew up and today still conform to that kind of attitude in many aspects of my thought-process. i'm good at detaching my reason with my feelings and i'm a pro at being narrow in my opinions because i believe i've come to them in the most rational--and therefore, flawless-- way. i come off as arrogant to alot of people because this. i'm working on it. be patient with me.)



mr. spock is contrasted on TNG by Lieutenant Commander Data (day-duh, not dah-duh). Data-- if you don't know-- is an android, a walking computer, completely devoid of emotion. yet his personal mission is to experience that which his nanochips and circuits can't process: humor, sadness, goosebumps, fear... love. in response to the older generation (the baby-boomers and grayer), we gen-x-y-and-z-ers choose put more of an emphasis on passion and intuition than on our ability to rationally analyze our circumstances.



data is my long-lost cousin.



[end log]

blog blog blog.

tomorrow i'm gonna blog about star trek. i'm for real. i have alot of deep, personal, profound things to say about star trek.



tonight though... i'm just gonna veg out, watch tv, eat junk food and try to dream the night away. i've already taken care of the first three (thanks to scrubs and giant size kit kat bars). three down, one to go.

i was officially hired today. i just might be the only straight man working in the fashion industry. well, my boss is straight too. and i'm not sure about one of the interns... okay, so maybe i'm not as unique as i thought.



i'm not happy about the pay. it's the least i've ever made in my entire 2.5 years as a working hombre. i seriously believe i'd make more money jabbing weiners at gray's papaya. but, in the words of my friend i had lunch with, i'm the "only person we know that's doing what you're passionate about"... am i passionate about it? i don't think so. but i'd learn alot and gain some skills i may be able to apply to my future passion.



how can i make some money on the side? my parents have a professional silk screening machine back in washington... my dad likes to buy random, cheap stuff he finds... i was gonna try to bring some basic parts, so i can start making some t-shirts here in my apt... but i forgot. plan B? wait for money to fall on my lap.



money, work, responsibility...

enough about that stuff.



i think i'm a reality show addict. it's just too easy to live vicariously through these bold, semi-good-looking people. and it's just too fun to think how dumb these people are. at least, they're bold and (semi) good looking.



okay. that's it. i gotta sleep because...

you know...

the W-word.

i'm back.

back to new york. back to having to plan more than one day in advance. back to checking my bank account online to make sure the cable bill won't bounce. okay, i'm depressing you. and i'm depressing myself.



i need to pray more.



seriously, what's wrong with me? why-- when i know that God hears my prayers; when i believe He answers them-- am i not constantly on my knees, pounding my chest and crying out to the heavens? there's something wrong with me.

this sucks.



i typed out this really long and (in my opinion) heartbreakingly deep post. but i lost my freaking dial-up connection and it got lost.

*deep sigh*



i'm too tired and busy to retype it all out. you'll just have to take my word for it... or just ask me in person what it was about.



it's a new year... have a good one.